I love my misery so much that I would rather die in it than accept a change in my situation

There isn't a lot of happiness to share about my own life. After uni, I failed at two positions in research and was asked at both positions to leave the company within 4 months. I never broke company rules or anything, didn't do anything anti-social, they were just unhappy with me and concluded that I was a bad fit for the organization. There might be some bias in there, seeing how I have a dark skin colour, but it was never overt. I do barista work now in different places, going from one job to the next. There isn't any connection between me or other people and I don't see my family anymore.

There were so many opportunities the past few years, especially the past year, for me to embrace happiness and joy, be it with people in theatre that I bonded over or women that I met who found me interesting. Instead of embracing the possibilities of things being different, I still wake up every day in solitude and isolation and seem to be in love with this miserable version of myself. There is so much hatred inside of my body that I used to externalize it in horrible ways. None of it should've ever happened, but it did and no one seemed to care.

There is a cartoon called Centaurworld, where a brave, war-ridden horse, is supposed to let go of her image of herself as a battle-weary steed and is supposed to embrace a path towards healing that involves being softer with herself and the rest of the world. It sounds like I need to go through something similar. I need to let go of the misery that I'm clawing at like it's the last thing that keeps me afloat and I need to let go of everything and trust that it will all be all right. I need to trust myself, my instincts and my voice to keep me safe; as long as I don't hold on to the need to be that version of myself, the need to stay lonely and miserable.