BPD and HS life rant

Even before exposing myself to porn when I was 6 I was always sexual with others around me and fantasising about whatever i thought sex would be with my own age and older people too. Growing up going down a porn rabbit hole specifically enjoyed reading doujinshi as I was an absolute weeb at 12 years old lol (just the tip of the iceberg with my sexual interactions on the internet when i was young. I’m sure y’all can relate.) But i think that’s the main source of a lot of my more out there and taboo kinks. Gooning has always been an escape for me just like most other things (drugs, games, anime/movies, music) I didn’t realise so much when i was younger but now i’ve found i enjoy they way these things keep my brain occupied with dopamine hits. When i got a little older around 16 I got a growth spurt n lost my puppy fat and i didn’t see it in myself but i became quite attractive, it wasn’t until my fifth relationship i’d just turned 20 and I didn’t realise it yet but she was my first true love, she also had BPD and neither of us were aware of our own BPD at the time so it was a very intense relationship and at the time i thought it was too much for me, but anyway she made me see it and since then my confidence has only grown. I don’t hate this about myself really, I love having sex, it doesn’t need to be an emotionally deep thing to me, not emotionless but just not that big a deal to me personally. But most people don’t feel that way, I don’t feel jealous sexually either and never have even before i felt secure in myself it just wasn’t something that bothered me. My issue being most people (where I live at least) do seem to get some sort of sexual attachment.

Anyways it’s my day off n i’m having a wake n bake I felt like I needed a ramble but now idk where i’m going with it. Fuck it tho it be rough every fucking day. My heart goes out to all my fellow freaks I hope ye can relate a lil <3