After years of emotional exhaustion, I don’t know if my marriage can be saved

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. We have kids together, we share a home, and we’ve built a life that looks stable from the outside, but inside, I feel like I’ve been slowly disappearing.

We got together when he was struggling with abusing substances (partying) and later a full blown year long addiction (fentanyl) after a back injury. I stepped into a caregiver role early on. I supported him through relapses, his recovery, and multiple back injuries that left him in pain and emotionally volatile. I held us both together — while working, raising our kids, and keeping the home running. I was the emotional container for everything. He held a full time high paying job throughout this and often said “well your needs were taken care of.”

He’s been clean for a while now, and on the surface, things should be better. But the emotional dynamics never really shifted. He still has angry outbursts (verbal, not physical), gets defensive when I express needs (said in an argument he has to fake romance and add it to his to do list), and often blames me when things don’t feel good in the relationship. He recently quit therapy and says he just wants to “fix things himself.” I’m tired of begging for change.

When I try to express myself, he spirals emotionally, says I have no patience for him, or that I’m making him feel crazy. It flips back on me, and I end up questioning my own experience. He’s not a monster. He’s not cruel. But he’s exhausting. His highs and lows dominate our relationship, and I feel like I’m either soothing him, tiptoeing, or apologizing.

Recently, he thought I was acting different (I started taking care of myself, in therapy, working out more consistently) and he went through my phone (he’d never done this before) and found messages of me talking to a friend about my feelings on our marriage. He lost it, spiraled, and then did a complete 180 where he “shifted focus” from the kids and his job to solely me. Love bombing and being extremely clingy. It’s exhausting.

I’ve even found myself wondering what it would be like to live separately while still co-parenting. I fantasize about peace and space and freedom — not because I don’t love my kids or care about my husband, but because I’m drained from carrying it all.

He doesn’t know how emotionally checked out I’ve become. I still go through the motions. I still say “I love you.” But deep down, I’m wondering if we’re slowly dying in a marriage that neither of us has the tools to fix. He has quit therapy multiple times, thinks he can fix it all himself, and doesn’t think counseling will help us (we’ve tried this before as well).

Has anyone been in a long marriage like this and made it work? Or left and found peace on the other side?

I’m not looking for people to bash him. I just need clarity. I’m afraid of making the wrong decision, but more afraid of spending the rest of my life unfulfilled and unseen and emotionally exhausted.