WIBTA for asking my husband to tell his parents they need to be more respectful to me?

AITA for asking my husband to talk to his parents? First time poster, hello, and sorry for the LONG post. DH and I both enjoy Charlotte's videos and are having some problems figuring out how to handle this issue. We figured maybe the Potato Nation could help! To sum up, my in laws, particularly my MIL, have a pattern of treating me/us disrespectfully, and I'm at the point where either DH needs to have a frank talk with them or I, for my own mental health, want to go low contact. They both have control issues and can be manipulative, and my DH is MILS baby, despite not being the youngest. I'll set up with a bit of a timeline; I’ll be as concise as possible, but it’s a lot, so bear with me. We’ll call MIL Jane and FIL Steve. DH will be John. They will be known as the Darling family. Just a disclaimer, I do love these people and they're not awful all the time. We have plenty of shallow but pleasant/normal interactions, and I don't believe they're behaving from a place of malice so much as self defense.

When John and I started seeing each other, he was living with his parents. I didn’t see Jane for the first several months because any time I came over, she would hide in her craft room. Mind you, we were distance, so I’d spend entire weekends there without seeing her once. We managed to live in the same city for a bit, and his parents had moved 10 hours away. However, a year into our relationship, he moved in with his parents to attend the school where they were. While he was away, we decided to get married. Here's where the incidents really begin. I began wedding planning. For context, all of my family and most of my friends are either overseas or halfway across the country, and the venue we booked had multiple rooms for them to stay in. BUT. Steve casually told me one day they were going to book extra rooms and turn it into a family reunion/getaway for the Darlings, who ALL live locally. I was surprised, but politely shut it down, which didn't end up mattering because COVID hit again, and we had to change venues and plans. At the time, my Dad was going through some health problems, and we weren't willing to take the risk of him flying over. So John and I talked, and we decided we would elope quietly with just us, our witnesses, officiant, and photographer, and then have a ceremony later where we could celebrate with everyone. Jane and Steve LOST IT. First, they suggested having the wedding as we were planning it with just the Darlings, and have a zoom stream for my family. I wasn't into that, as I wanted to be able to share the day with my family as well, and they had already hosted a surprise wedding shower for me without including or even letting my family know it was happening. Which meant it was the Darlings and then me, and not even any of my friends who do live in the area. They came back with “Well, if it were at your parent’s place and it was your family there, I’m sure you’d be willing to have the Darlings watch on Zoom.” I said that wasn’t true because I wouldn’t ask John to go through that. I reminded them this was because of my Dad’s health problems that we didn’t want him flying, not just on a whim. Then they suggested that we drive out to where my parents lived, halfway across the country. I said I was willing to do that, and then they backtracked and said John's siblings wouldn't be able to afford it. After several days of back and forth, I told them firmly but politely that we were sticking to our elopement plan. Jane spent the next 2 days crying, to the point that Steve took it upon himself to message me and tell me I really should consider letting them attend, even if it was just the two of them. This whole situation was already hard for me, because of COVID our wedding was already looking so different from anything I’d hoped, and I was already grieving a lot. I again politely but firmly told him plans were going ahead as we had already decided.

(To give more context, despite all their kids being adults, my in-laws are the type of people who think they still have the right to tell their kids how to live. All 4 of their kids don’t usually say no or set boundaries, so I think this came as a huge shock to them. I honestly doubt any of their kids or other in laws had ever said such a firm no. Jane’s mom is the exact same way, and so is her sister, so essentially, the Darling family exists to keep those 3 women happy, or no one is happy type thing.)

John supported me in this, but not willingly. I tried to make it clear to everyone that this wasn’t about excluding anyone, it was simply about trying to make the best choice for everyone with no ideal options. John was trying to convince me to let his parents be there, and it got to a point where we almost broke up. So John told me that he was choosing me over her, and we stayed together and eloped the way we had planned. All that to say, my relationship with my in-laws didn’t get off to a great start. Now, newer issues.

John’s parents, especially his mom, visit often, usually for 3 weeks at a time. They have said, and I quote “When we’re visiting, we’re selfish and do expect everyone to hang out with us all the time, or as often as they can.” And John, who is very much a people pleaser, and also loves his parents and wants to spend time with them, inevitably ends up spending way more time with them than we agree on beforehand. John is in the military. When he gets deployed, we take the week before and after to be with just us. His parents know this. However, they ‘just happen’ to come visit before and after EVERY deployment. During one of his first ones, they came to visit, and it was their first time (and last) staying with us. They brought their untrained dog with them and would let her harass our dog and tried to scold our dog for defending herself. They also tried telling us not to swear or smoke. In our own home. So John sent them a polite text asking them to not try to give us rules in our own house, essentially. The things Steve texted back were absolutely disgusting. I have some anaphylactic allergies and at the time had dairy and gluten intolerances. Believe me, I KNOW it sucks. This is important because one of the things he texted John was that we were horrible hosts and they had to bend over backwards with providing special food every time we visit them. Which was also untrue because I always bought my own extras or groceries if I needed entirely different meals. He said things along the lines of ‘This isn’t how we raised you’ and other personal attacks aimed at John as well. Jane, of course, started to cry, again for several days, and John was SHOOK. He has struggled since then to stand up to them at all, although I will say he at least now will gently hint to them, which is huge progress. Anyways, because of that incident, they spent the last few nights at a friend’s place, but one day we came home from work, the night before John was supposed to leave, and they had just…dropped their dog off at our house. No warning, no asking. Their reasoning was that their friends didn’t have a fenced yard, and Jane was too afraid to walk the dog until she’d take a shit. The irony about this is that their friends live in the equivalent of a gated community with extremely minimal crime. The plan was for John and I to have one last breakfast together before I dropped him off, but I got to spend the morning cleaning their dog’s piss and shit off our basement floor, and cleaning up several household items the dog ate. (She was a puppy at the time, so no hard feelings to the dog. We would have had the house ready HAD WE KNOWN a puppy was going to be staying with us. Grrr.)

They no longer stay at our place, which is just fine with me, but still visit way too often (in my opinion). The last time John was deployed and coming back, his mom came for a solo trip to visit that just happened, of course, to coincide with his trip home. And we were going to be leaving on our honeymoon about 2 days after he got back. To have some time to ourselves and avoid a scene, we may have given her slightly false info and told her John would be back on the 21, when he wasn’t back until the 24^(th). Well, when she found out which day he was actually coming back, she delayed her return home by 3 days DESPITE him telling her gently via text he wants to spend that time with me. (She ignores hints or intentionally misinterprets them.)

I’m already at the end of my rope, but this last year, she’s also started digitally pretending I don’t exist. For e.g., she made a Family Day post, and I was the only in law not included in the post. I don’t care in the sense that I’m not super active on social media, so it’s not about being posted, it’s about being the only one left out. She’s come to visit me for coffee three times when she’s been in the area and John was deployed, and each time sent a picture of our cat (a handsome boi, to be sure) to the group chat or to John and said something to the effect of “It was so good to see the kitty boy again!” He, of course, deserves the spotlight, however. She didn’t mention even seeing me.

For me, the final straws have been the following 2 issues:

Incident 1: Last New Year’s Eve, the Darlings and I, sans John, were all at his one sister’s house (I was waiting to pick John up from a party). I had my dog with me, and she does NOT like being petted on the head, or SIL’s kids, who are nice but have zero manners. So she was pretty socially tapped out, and John’s brother went to pet her on the head goodbye. She snapped at the air next to him, so I had her lay down on the floor in front of my chair and said to him “Please don’t touch her right now, she’s pretty tapped out.” Steve, in front of EVERYONE, said “Awww, no, she’s fiiiiine,” leaned over, and started rubbing and shaking her head in his hands. I stood up and moved her to the other side of the chair, but I honestly couldn’t believe he’d do that. John talked to him about it and let him know it really bothered me, mostly for my dog’s sake, but also because of the lack of respect in front of the whole family. I have yet to receive any form of apology or acknowledgement of the situation.

Incident 2: This last spring, John and I FINALLY were able to go on our Honeymoon. While we were there, Jane created a group chat for photos, updates, etc. Except…the members were her, Steve, and John, and it was called “John’s Adventures”. As if I don’t even exist. We were honeymooning in my home country so he could meet my extended family. When John showed me (he was wondering why I hadn’t seen a post she’d sent), it hurt so much, I broke down in tears and cried in the shower. (I am NOT a cryer.) John was clearly also hurt by it. He asked his one sister about it, and her response to him was that it’s normal for families and in laws not to do everything together, but it still hasn’t been sitting right with either of us.

Recently, his parents have been visiting again, looking at houses to move back. (Yes, I had a small meltdown when I heard that news.) While they were here, I chose not to go to any hangouts except two, because his sisters would be there too, so it would be more bearable, less tension. Jane noticed my absence and asked John “Is something wrong with OP? We’ve barely seen her all week”. He told her that my feelings were hurt by the group chat. Her response to him was ‘Oh, I forgot to add her to it’. Which would make sense, if she hadn’t named it JOHN’S Adventures. She never mentioned it to me, apologized, or even acknowledged she did anything wrong. They also walked into our house unannounced multiple times, despite John texting something like ‘By the way, send a text or call before you come over because I might be naked lol’.

I am at the point where I want to go no contact with them. I’m already feeling disrespected while they’re living far away, and I can’t imagine how much worse it’ll be when they live here. Both his sisters mentioned when they DID live here, they expected the kids to something with them every weekend, and something tells me they’ll have similar expectations now, especially because they’re both going to be retired. John doesn’t think he should say anything unless another incident pops up, and he’ll address things as they happen. However, I think he needs to tell his parents, particularly Jane, right now, something like ‘This is my wife, I love her, and you need to stop treating her with disrespect’. John thinks he’s doing enough, and he’s upset that I’m asking him to do more. I have had enough. Am I being unreasonable? I’ve told John if he won’t have my back in a firm way, even if it pisses them off, that I’ll be going no contact. He doesn’t want that either and thinks I should be the one to talk to her. But my thinking is, they both know they’ve hurt me and still haven’t apologized or acknowledged it, so I don’t see the point. I want to have a good relationship with them, but I just don’t think it’s possible. They’re not evil or monsters or anything, but they’re just not people I want to have in my life. There have been other incidents as well, I’ve just included the bigger ones for the sake of keeping this short. Potato People, HELP! AITA for asking John to talk to his parents?