Betrayal before the Altar my “Christian” boyfriends confession shattered EVERYTHING I knew

I had to re word this a little cause I’ve posted it into every sub I feel is relevant. I’m not trying to spam. I’m just trying to get help.

I’m a 22-year-old virgin, and after more than a year of dating, I discovered my boyfriend had been living a double life. We met on a Christian app, and he seemed like a devout, traditional Christian with a sheltered upbringing. He was my first boyfriend, and I was completely in love. A year in, just as a proposal seemed imminent, he confessed everything.

My Background

My upbringing was complicated. I'm a Black woman from the North, born to an African American mother and an African father. While my mother was a source of love and support, my father was emotionally absent. He often went on solo trips to Africa instead of spending time with us, and we later found out he had another family with a second wife and several children there. My parents divorced, leaving my mom to raise us alone, and she struggled financially.

My school years were also difficult. At a predominantly white Catholic school, I faced racism, bullying, and rejection. I struggled academically and felt isolated and misunderstood. My self-esteem was low, and I became shy, trying to be overly nice in the hopes of being liked. My IQ was too high for an IEP, but I now believe my issues were a mix of neurodivergence, an unsupportive environment, and a lack of interest.

The trauma continued into high school, leading to severe depression. I spent time in mental institutions and outpatient care. I was desperate to connect with God but felt I couldn’t hear Him. A chaplain at one institution was unhelpful, giving me a book on Buddha when I asked for guidance. I also began reading the Bible with good intention but without guidance it manifested into a harmful way, which, combined with undiagnosed religious OCD, led to intense feelings of condemnation. I got sucked into a trap with these to KJV-only speakers whose views on interracial marriage and race made me feel worthless. (Not saying that all people with these beliefs are like this but the type on the internet sadly was) This turned reading the Bible into a form of self-harm.

Eventually, I found a local church and started a job that I liked but it was toxic because I was relentlessly bullied remarks. The would be relating to my race or my mental capabilities or age. The job was so stressful it led to a severe illness after two years of being in it after I left which left me with a heart problem from taking too much Tylenol.

Through it all, I've held onto a strong desire to be a homemaker and build a peaceful, Christian family—the kind I never had. I wanted to create a home where my children would feel God's love and validation from the very beginning.

The Man I Thought I Knew

I met my boyfriend on a Christian app called Upward. He seemed like the answer to my prayers: homeschooled, from a large family, and claiming to be a virgin with strong Christian values. My walls were up at first, but his consistency and persistence won me over. I fell in love with him. I had confided in him about my past, my father issues, and my suicidal ideations, and he seemed to accept me completely. He's white, and I'm Black, which is another layer to our relationship.

What I didn't know was that a few months into our relationship, he had been with a prostitute. He also had a history of pornography addiction and confessed he had been with prostitutes a handful of times before me as well. He told me this truth was preventing him from being baptized in the Catholic church, which he had recently decided to join. I later learned his own "Christian" upbringing was complicated and lacked positive role models, which is not my story to tell, but it's important context.

The Aftermath: Love, Fear, and Uncertainty

His confession shattered my world. It was a year into our relationship when he told me. The healing he had helped me with felt fake now, and my brain was a mess of confusion. I was devastated but told him I needed time to think. He confessed to both our families. My brother hates him, but my mom has been forgiving. Up until his confession, he had genuinely been making an effort to grow closer to God, and I had been praying for a clean and pure relationship.

That being said, when he confessed, he was deeply remorseful, crying as he told me and repeatedly saying he was afraid I would hate him. The confession was seemingly a genuine act of contrition, not a casual admission. Since then, he has shown immense patience and empathy. When I get triggered or need to process, he holds space for me without judgment. He sometimes cries with me when he sees my pain, and his willingness to face my hurt, even when it's directed at him, has shown me a level of emotional maturity and regret that is hard to ignore.

It's been months since his confession. He has a spiritual advisor, has been baptized, and seems to be living a genuinely holy life. He is more affectionate and loving than ever, and truly God-focused. I love him deeply, and this whole situation has pushed me to confront my own sins and lack of devotion to God.

But I'm also grappling with a huge amount of anxiety. I have nights where I hate myself and worry about being compared to his past experiences if we get married. I'm terrified of being seen as an "outlet" and not a person. Paying for sex says a lot about how a person views women and boundaries, and I think those mindsets take a long time to change. Also, to be honest, if he had just told me it was in his past…that would be one thing but one time was during our courtship…that he hid…he even messaged one later but didn’t go through with it not far from that incident early in our relationship. I worry that if we have children and I go through postpartum, he might fall back into old habits. I also searched online for advice and saw men excusing prostitution, which was deeply disturbing and made me even more fearful of the dating pool. It makes me question if I could ever find a partner who truly values purity. And even if I did find another virgin, would I even want it? I feel like I'd just compare them to him, because I love him so much. I really, really do.

My friends simply tell me to leave him, but my past has trained me to be attached and to have low self-esteem, which makes me wonder if I'm staying out of genuine love or a deep fear of not finding anyone else. I'm 22 and feel like my chance at finding my ideal partner is gone.

What should I do? I need advice and support. I feel stuck, hurt, and I'm questioning if a partner who truly matches me even exists. Is staying with him a good choice, especially in a Christian context? Am I setting myself up for failure? Knowing I'm not alone in this would also help.

TL;DR: My Christian boyfriend, whom I met on a dating app, lied about his past, which includes a history of prostitution and pornography addiction. This came after a childhood filled with my dad's abandonment, racism, neurodivergence, and neglect. He's since had a genuine "come to Jesus" moment and is working hard to redeem himself. We've stayed together, but I'm questioning if I should, due to my lasting anxieties and fears. I love him deeply, but I'm struggling with whether I can move past this and trust him.

(A note for those just reading the TL;DR: While I appreciate your time, the full context is crucial to my situation. I'm not sure a response based only on the summary will be what I need, so please consider reading the whole post before commenting.)