Meaningless life & neurodivergence

Hi,

For a while now I’ve constantly been ruminating over the meaning of life. For context, I have autism and have masked my entire life and I don’t not know who I am or how to find out and with so little time on earth, I don’t want to waste any time.

I don’t understand how we are born and we live this life and then die. Anything I do will mean absolutely nothing. I am absolutely terrified of my loved ones dying and that being it, forever. I cannot begin to fathom that we are here and then one day we won’t be. I’m not religious and I don’t connect to any religion but I wish I could force myself to because then I would have something to believe in. I’ve found book suggestions eg the stranger & the myth of sisyphus but I worry these will just reinforce my thoughts and feelings rather than providing possible answers for them.

It gets so bad that if I see a party dress I like I’ll say to my mum what’s the point in buying it tho cos all I’m going to do is work the rest of my life and then die and I won’t wear the dress. Or I want to travel and see the world but what’s the point cos I’m not going to remember it. People tell me to just enjoy it in the moment but then how do I choose which things to do when there’s so many to do. I’m studying to become a social worker but unless I do something that changes lives on a large scale (something history textbook worthy) then everything is pointless. Maybe I’ll help one family and that will change things for generations for their family but everyone will die anyway and the world will eventually end and it’ll never have needed to matter.

I am so so so stuck! I hate feeling like this. I go on holiday soon but I keep thinking why am I excited what’s the point one day I won’t feel anything. I can’t wrap my head round it. I have no idea who I am. I feel so behind in life already. I’m 21 in October and I feel like I’m running out of time, realistically ik I’m not, but anything can happen. Eg should I save money to buy a house and do no fun things but then I die tomorrow having done nothing or spend all my money doing fun things now but then suffer in old age when I can’t even heat my home. I am so so confused.