really struggling

im almost 30 and im back living with my parents bc i couldn't keep it together enough to live on my own anymore. ive been here all year and im more depressed than ive ever been.

ive struggled with these kinds of feelings of not wanting to live since i was a teenager and im not sure that ive ever fully been without them, just been distracted from them. life has never felt fulfilling or like I've truly belonged or wanted to be anywhere.

i've tried so much therapy and different medications over the last two years and nothing seems to help. i feel like my brain is broken or im just doing it to myself. i want things to improve, but every "reason to live" just feels so flimsy and fake, or outright unattainable.

i still self harm like im a teenager. i haven't worked all year. im about to start a job which might be something to look forward to, but it might be yet another thing that's completely hollow. im afraid i won't be able to keep it up because of how bad I'm doing. i barely get out of bed.

i don't think i'll ever be responsible enough or financially stable enough to live on my own. i feel like i have no future.

im trying therapy, im asking for help, but it's like nothing reaches me. it feels like no one is taking me seriously.

i was in the psych ward for ten days earlier last month and i feel worse off than when i went in. i feel completely hopeless. i resent that i seemingly have to pull myself out of this alone somehow. i don't want to, i don't believe in myself and i have no idea where to start.

i hate that i think about wanting to die all the time. i hate that i don't get enjoyment from anything. i hate that i'll never be able to act on my feelings of wanting to die. i feel trapped and like this suffering is completely meaningless.