I’m so embarrassed

I really don’t know what to make the heading, and I know this is a place for people who are sober, or at least trying to be. And I know I don’t quite fit that description but I’m not sure where else to say this. I just recently turned 18, so I’m not of legal drinking age where I live. I have a long line of addiction and alcoholism in my family, so I always swore I’d never do anything like that. I always said I wouldn’t dare drinking until I was at least 21, and I never had any temptation to until a few months ago. My mom went to jail for fentanyl, which left me with just my grandma since my dad isn’t really around. I have such a great support system and I have so many people who care about me, but that didn’t stop me from drinking. The week it happened my friends invited me to the dorms to drink, and I’ve gone quite a few times before and if they offered me drinks I just said no and we moved on. But this time I said sure, and I just kept taking shots. And I enjoyed it, it was the first time that week I didn’t feel like shit and forgot about all the bad things going on. After that every time I had the opportunity to drink I did, but it was so few and far between it wasn’t really a problem. But lately I started a new job and one of my closer coworkers is 22, and she offered to buy me alcohol. Since I’m an idiot, I said ok.

Now I’ve gotten in the terrible habit of drinking in my room after my grandma goes to bed. And since I have access to alcohol, I booked an Airbnb for me and a few of my friends. I watched back the videos I took and I don’t even remember anything. I got there around 3pm and started drinking before my friends got there. After 5 my memory is pretty much gone. I remember waking up around 1, going to drink with them more, then waking up again at 6am. I’m just embarrassed and mad at myself for allowing myself to get into that position. When I drink in my room the same shit happens, I just wake up when my alarm goes off and I see all the people I tried to call or text. All it does it make me feel terrible the next day, and I’m realizing I just can’t seem to drink responsibly. I just drink to feel something other than sadness but it’s so temporary, so I just want to do it more and more. I’m obviously not saying I have a drinking problem, I don’t want to act like it’s way worse than it is or act like I’m addicted or anything. I just don’t want to go down the same path as my family, but I don’t know if it’s even worth it to try.