Together 13 years, married 7 any help?

I would like to ask for some advice. Obviously we have been together for a while, since high school. We have two children together, and have built quite the life for ourselves. I’ll dive directly into the issues at hand.. We have some of those long dry spells, and if you didn’t catch on, I’m talking about sex. I am the sole bread winner, and I pay for everything. My wife takes care of the home our children and various other parts of life. When we first got together we had spontaneous, anywhere anytime sex as most high schoolers did. After our first child was born we slowed down sexually, which was fine, we had a lot of growing into things to do. Fast forward to our second child and we had several 6-8 month stents of absolute disconnects and sexless marriage moments. Fast forward to around a year ago. I was resentful, pained and annoyed that no matter what I seemed to do, I was unable to fix our intimacy problems. We nearly divorced over the insane lack of trust we created and still had this near sexless relationship. I won’t delve too deeply into that issue and everything that surrounds it. We both knuckled down, and when I tell you, it was like flipping a switch, the sex got out of hand, it was every night, every other night. But due to some trust issues and one of the larger reasons for our “D” day conversation… the sex felt wrong. It felt like a cover up. It was far to much far to fast. Now that was over a year ago. We just went a little over a month without sex once again, and I’m facing those demons over my shoulder every moment I slow down… I’m asking, am I in the wrong? Should I respectfully just ignore my urges? Should I go handle stuff myself and move on? I have watched every self-help video, I use a mental health line my workplace provides and this often comes up. I struggle with my own image and I struggle with a lot of things. And advice would be amazing. I’m just lost lately.

This is the message I sent trying to address our issues… “So, to start it I want to preface I’m not upset, unhappy, hurt bothered or whatever the fuck else you might anxiously fall into thinking this is about, I’ll give some context. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how much I miss you, I’ve been really burnt out and tired, and I really get the absolutely smallest one on one time with you. Most nights I’m in bed or asleep long before you come to bed, our tv time together is about all we get. I’ve tried a lot to get some legitimate one on one time with you for cute memories, because that really matters to me. I’ll probably scratch some touchy feelings but it isn’t my intention. I deliberately waited until we got to a good spot to bring this up. I tried really hard for individual time on the cruise, I agree the theme there was sexual and I do apologize for it going that direction, but I honestly really wanted some individual time memories of you and I. Our short lived moments in the casino were really cool but We have the kids for such a short time it feels like, and I sometimes worry that the memories we have only consist of what the kids do and once they grow to start their lives we will lose each other in the static, fast forward to the music festival and I did try to be as open as I could asking you to hang out with me specifically there, and I was a little butthurt because we took maybe 10 pictures together on the last day, but really nothing else. During tattoos I tried to stay present to enjoy these moments with you and it really made me realize how amazing you are, and how terribly much I miss out on being your husband and life partner. I miss a lot, and I’ve always said it sucks to miss out on stuff with the kids, and my family too at times. But I am forced to face another reality of how much I miss out on you. I’ve been persistent, I know. I’ve tried for showers in Ohio together, sex almost everywhere and all the time, and I really think I offend you at times wanting that, but I also wanted to say something that may be like dangerous to say but like.. we aren’t kids anymore, having family around or in the same house shouldn’t matter anymore, we have a life together, we handle everything as a team but I often feel set on a shelf because someone is at our house or someone went on a trip with us or whatever, I’ve always tried to respect your wishes about not being physically intimate around people but I’m getting older and sadly confused about why. We have two children together, we have a life together, it will not be a surprise that we have sex to anyone in either yours or my own family, and I honestly get my feelings hurt a lot because of the immediate lack of desire or intimacy as a result of it. It has also made me genuinely hate inviting people to go do stuff with us because I’m not allowed to get drunk with my wife, put moves on my wife or even just seduce you in the moment. It kills the desire for me to want to do anything. I understand your restraint and reasoning, please don’t misunderstand, I’m just trying to understand myself why we have to make pretend and play pretty that we don’t have sex or that we just don’t do that stuff. I’m not going to brag, I’m not going to Make it awkward, I wouldn’t ever embarrass you like that, but it does get a little embarrassing for me because I have tried really hard to plan out some really amazing and fun trips for us this year and we haven’t exactly spent a lot of time together as husband and wife, bedtime has become bedtime and there hasn’t been very much sincere desire on your part sexually, which really became a stressor for myself because I don’t feel like I am enough. I get sex is just sex to you and that’s totally okay, but we aren’t seeing eye to eye lately on it, much less meeting in the middle. I’m not keeping track intentionally but did you realize we have only had sex one time since we came back from the cruise? That’s over a month ago, and desperate doesn’t really cut how I feel for it. I’m fighting a lot of battles with myself and the absolute disgust I feel with myself because of a comment made when I got dropped in the crowd has been eating away at me. I know it shouldn’t and I’m not even trying to let it bother me, but it’s compounding with the fact that our sex life has gone dark. We hardly even make moves on one another, and to be frank I’m insanely confused. I get you started and have that issue but there was also a dry spell before Ohio, after Ohio and all the way up to when you started. It’s really starting to make me feel crazy that our sex life tends to become really one sided and I am forced to accept whatever answer you give along with any reasoning you give. I’m a really understanding person, I’m sympathetic and trying to be fair, but it starts to feel very cold and distant between us. I love you, so fucking much that it genuinely hurts me. I worry about you and constantly check on you. As much as the kids are ours to protect and take care of, before the children it was you and me, and you’re my number one priority. We recently had a conversation where I placed you as the most important thing to me, and you have the children as your top priority. I respect it, and I understand it. I’m not placing the children mountains behind you, but none of this shit works, none of it without you. If I didn’t have you there is absolutely no way I could take care of these kids like you do. I love them with everything I have, but you come first. And always will. This is long winded and I reworded a lot to be as careful as possible to not mislead my tone. Please read this neutrally as if I’m talking as calmly as possible. I mean absolutely no disrespect. I am not now nor have I been upset about any fucking thing. I just had to speak to some of the alone and dark I feel I have been in, this is me reaching out to you, for not even an explanation, I don’t need that. I need you to understand my heart beats for you, my sole purpose everyday is to provide for you and this family we have created. We have built our life together, and nothing would ever stop me from loving you as boldly as I do, but to be 100% honest I don’t know if I am loving you the way you want or need. Please help guide me to what you need from me, what you want from me, I want you and nothing but it for the rest of my life, but I want it as boldly and as direct as I can get it. I won’t lie, some times you are a lot, but I fucking love you. I fucking love you. I just don’t know if how I present my love to you is overbearing, I don’t know if I am taking some things a step to far, do you need space, is that what I seem to be missing? I don’t want a sickening all over each other relationship even half the time, but there are time when it’s all I fucking want. But fuck what I want because if it’s way to much for you it’s going to be lost in communication, our intimacy will suffer as a result and everything starts to crumble. I just want you unconditionally, untraditionally, in every way I can get you. I know my drive and libido is one million to one in comparison to you. But the comment you made about the medication to increase your libido not only excites me, but also confuses me. I tried handling that the best I could, but whole heartedly meant that if you planned on trying something that could help balance the difference please don’t tell me. Because if it doesn’t work, it’s fine, but such a painful way to lose hope when I have the highest expectations and they pop like a ballon in front of me. “

I know this is insanely long winded, but if I’m being honest my friends tell me how I am taken for granted or advantage of, I’m sometimes hurt so deeply by this lack of anything I don’t know what to do, what I did to deserve it, or even how to fix it. I get it if I’m a bit over the top, but I honestly find myself feeling desperate for sex all the time now. I’m addicted to porn and can’t stop myself. I tried today (2 days after having sex finally) to initiate a quick session while the kids were away at the in-laws and was met with “don’t really want to right now.” Am I alone in feeling desperate? We have an 11 year old and a 7 year old, but I typically have to wait until 11:00-1:00 at night/morning for anything to happen at times because the kids are awake, and nothing can happen. I get the “I need a shower” “I’m tired” or whatever excuse often.

I may have shared way too much. But I’m really trying to fix whatever I can because I don’t want to live like this.