19M x 20F... a story i thought i would never right but i cant keep it to myself š
(used chatgpt cuz my English is not so good but its original) Iām 19M and sheās 20F. We were in a 3-year relationship that started with deep love, insane comfort, and genuine care. I was the kind of guy who used to write poetry for her, made her a literal diary that went over 130+ pages. I created a Valentine's Day card with nearly 50 pages filled with words about her beauty and how much she meant to me. I made her hand-written letters, designed origami cards, searched YouTube for ways to make things more creative ā all for her.
And this year, I gave her a Valentineās gift box with a letter, a custom card, a fabric piece, and a bunch of heartfelt touches. In these 3 years, I gave her countless gifts, memories, love ā the kind of love you donāt usually get twice in a lifetime.
But things started to change early this year.
Back in January, we had a major argument. It all began because of a close mutual friend (19M), someone who used to be close to both of us. Before moving to the US in September, he asked her for help ā he wanted to meet a girl on the night of his flight. She said yes.
Now the thing is, that girl he wanted to meetā¦ was actually a close friendās sister. And she ended up going with her mom to drop that girl and her mom at his place ā without telling me anything about it for five whole months.
Thatās what broke me.
It wasnāt that she helped him. It was the hiding ā from someone who trusted her blindly. When I finally found out (from him), I confronted her gently, casually through texts, hoping she'd be honest. But she lied, saying āmy mom didnāt know the airport route.ā That excuse didnāt even make sense. Eventually, when I told her I knew the truth ā we had a long argument.
But in the end, all she said was, āTo ab mein kya kar sakti hoon?ā
That one line still echoes in my head.
Since that argument in late January, I started feeling like her feelings for me were fading. Even though she said āI love you,ā it felt forced. Empty. I kept trying to convince myself she still loved me, that maybe I was overthinking. But her actions slowly started proving me wrong.
And then, out of nowhere, she asked for a gap ā just days before Ramadan started. I tried to stop her. I begged. But she had already made up her mind. She told me itās temporary. But deep down, I knew it wasnāt.
Then she left for Hajj in April. I didnāt message her, out of respect. But it tore me apart. Watching her post spiritual things online, seeing her in the House of Allah, while I was here ā broken and still waiting ā hoping sheād come back with clarity or softness.
She came back in June. Still silent. Still distant.
Meanwhile, I was left to deal with the wreckage ā not just emotionally, but academically too. During our relationship, I had become so emotionally consumed that I neglected my studies. My grades dropped hard. I failed my papers and gave supplies in early 2025. But my percentage only reached 40%. That meant I didnāt even qualify for university admissions ā because most require at least 45%.
All because I was too busy loving someone who stopped choosing me long ago.
But even after all this pain, all the sleepless nights and unanswered prayers ā something else hit even harder.
She spoke behind my back.
Not just random gossip ā but deep, personal things. Things about our relationship. Things about me. She told people I was toxic. That I made fun of her looks. That I hurt her.
How could someone who once said āyou healed meā now tell people that I was the one who broke her?
I wasnāt perfect ā Iāll admit. I made mistakes. Maybe I was too emotional, too attached, maybe even too intense. But I never disrespected her. Never mocked her. Never shamed her.
It killed me knowing that while I was still defending her in every conversation, still praying for her behind her backā¦ she was doing the opposite.
Those things spread. People started seeing me differently. Some judged. Some questioned. But I stayed silent ā because despite everythingā¦ I didnāt want to ruin her name.
Maybe that was my final mistake ā Loving someone more than I loved myself.
After the breakup, I made a decision. I wanted to change. I started praying. But even during namaz, my heart wasnāt calm ā her thoughts would rush in. I began going to the gym, I started taking care of myself. But everything I did ā every change I tried ā felt like I was still doing it for her.
I tried to move on, but it felt like she still lived somewhere in my chest.
Even imagination wasnāt safe ā Iād picture her walking back, holding my hand again, smiling like she used toā¦ but none of it ever came true.
Now nothing goes right. My prayers feel hollow. My sleep schedule is wrecked. Her face flashes in my thoughts randomly. And the worst part? Iāve fallen into bad habits ā things like masturbation, just to distract myself for a few minutes.
And after all thisā¦ Iām just tired. I miss the peace I never got. I miss the closure that never came. I miss the version of myself that existed before I gave someone everything.
This was never just a breakup. This was grief. A heartbreak. A slow death. But Iām still here, breathing. Still hopingā¦ someday this pain will mean something.
But even now ā Iām reaching my breaking point. Iām so exhausted from this constant ache, from praying and not feeling peace, from failing academically, from not qualifying for university, from pretending Iām okay when Iām mentally drowning.
Thereās pressure from family, expectations I canāt meet. And emotionally, Iām drained ā completely. Iāve started getting suicidal thoughtsā¦ not because I want to dieā¦ but because I just want this constant pain to stop.
I donāt know how much more I can take.
Posted Aug 3, 2025, 8:50 PM UTC