In my mind i am swearing god for the things i dont want to happen

There were swears as "i swear to God i will/wont do x and if i do, may y happen to me". Then, i fed up and purposefully started to do these swears as an exposure now i feel worse. Why i did it intentionally? At least before it was unintentional. I feel so bad, i am hopeless, not even religious but it kills me. Omg why every decision of mine hurts me