Ugly girl in relationship (well)

Hi there. I (F22) was broken up with today. Not too much on that but for context, we were together for almost two years. The relationship was very sieged by issues pertaining to my past sexual encounters. I believe these experiences to have been informed by a lot of trauma in my teens, yet I still took accountability for being wreckless.

I have been really trying to unpack my relationship issues and what I do know is my self esteem has always been very very low. I grew up being told I was ugly by family, and I was bullied too. I was also extremely overweight by the time I entered high school and even more so when I had the majority of my past sexual experiences in college.

As I try to envision a future without my boyfriend, I am really really depressed and realize that I don’t know what to do. Or how to do any of it. I feel like if I go out, everything about how I feel about myself will just be confirmed. Of course I have noticed I never been approached. I weigh about 145lbs now, I used to be 220lbs. For a 5’3 frame thats a lot, and I thought that would fix my problems and it didn’t, so maybe I just am ugly.

So my questions are: if I can’t afford therapy or plastic surgery, what are my options? i dont want to hate myself i want to love myself but I hate who I am. Is dating even worth it now? Dating is important to me, very much so. I like feeling desired. I don’t like regressing back into the ugly gargoyle face I feel like I have/had as a child. I would definitely say I am in crisis mode, so please forgive me if I sound crazy.