90% VA rated, new parent, stressed at work… did anyone else step back and not regret it?

*I am so sorry this is long. Maybe this isn’t the group to get advice for things like this. If someone suggests another group, that would also be great

I separated from the military in May and filed a BDD claim which came back at 80%. I recently got back in touch with my VSO and he helped me file a few more claims. Now I am at 90 % with four claims still deferred, one of them being for PTSD.

I also claimed trichotillomania and dermatillomania but I didn’t realize that would cause them to reevaluate my PTSD since it is also a mental health condition. At first I was frustrated but now I am starting to think it might actually be a good thing.

I just had my C&P exam and honestly it was rough. The examiner was very short and direct which caught me off guard. I ended up having a panic attack because I didn’t know what the appointment would be like. I thought I was going to have to tell my whole story again and I was not ready to relive that. When she asked if I have had any outbursts I broke down. I am not proud of the way I have reacted to things lately and my current job has definitely made my symptoms worse.

My job is very socially demanding and I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells. By the time I get home I am so drained that it affects the way I show up as a mom and as a wife. I am nursing my baby and I have a hard time taking medication because I feel so guilty about it. I left service due to MST, and many other things. I know I made the right choice for my child, but this transition has been the hardest thing for me. My husband travels a lot for work so most days I am trying to manage the baby, the house, my work life, and my own mental health and I feel like I am falling short in all of them.

People tell me to do what is best for my family and financially we would be okay if I left my job. But the guilt is real. I committed to this position and I know they depend on me. Still, the work environment is exhausting and I am not sure how much longer I can keep going at this pace.

I am wondering if anyone else has been in this same position. Torn between staying in a stressful job or stepping back to be home with your child, maybe go to school, and just take life at a slower pace. If you have been there, did you regret it or did it turn out to be the right choice for you? I feel so blessed to now have this opportunity. These years are so short. I feel like I’m doing myself a disservice by staying in a job that’s draining my mental health and keeping me from being present with my family. I would really like to hear some positive experiences.