Feeling awesome and having no self respect at the same time.

Hi everyone!

Hope you all are feeling good/better today. I was just thinking about my romantic relationships and about the role of self-esteem/respect. In my first relationship, which was rocky form the start - the guy I was with didn't think our relationship would last long from the get go - but I told him we'll date and see, marriage is a long way off (we were 19 then). It was the first time I'd been in love and I did everything I could to make it work. We were together for 4.5 years. He tried to break up with me twice. He told me his parents won't accept me, that they're very traditional and I didn't come from money, he did. I didn't care about it. I just wanted to be loved. Through out this time I thought he'll see what a wonderful, loving person I am and would want to spend the rest of his life with me. At the same time I had no self-respect. He clearly had checked out and didn't care to message/call me. I was always the one who did that. I would make plans. I made him my entire world. I also lived in constant anxiety of him leaving which I think deep down I knew would happen. I should've broken up with him myself but didn't, I think I was a coward then. And I'm still a coward now. I read a few emails I'd written to him where I'd stated that he might not ever find someone else who loves him as much as I do and that I'm a good partner (super cringe, I know. breaks my heart though coz I just wanted love and was in so much pain)

Second relationship - A fuck boy who actually was reciprocating my feelings but he had commitment issues. But since dating me, he was only with me. All his friends knew me and had met me but I wasn't introduced as a girlfriend. He had trust issues and didn't approve of one of my past relationships even before I'd met him. This is the reason he said he couldn't commit to me. This relationship also lasted 4+ years. He cheated on me. And I forgave him because I felt sympathy for whatever he went through in his childhood. But even then I knew what a horrible treatment I was getting. I deserved better. But I accepted crumbs. I knew that I was a good person and that I should be treated better but somehow there was some part of me that thought that this is your worth. I finally got out of that relationship when I started getting bald patches on my head because of stress.

My question is what is this inner conflict? I think I know I'm a kind, loving human being who deserves respect and love and basic decency. But I allow people to treat me like shit and when it comes time to stand up for myself, it takes super long, I just let it get to a point where I'm fully checked out and tired or on the verge of a disease to call it quits. Long before whether it's good for me I think about what's good for the other person. In my current relationship I feel like i know it's not going to work out long term. He's the best man I've ever been with but we want different things from life. But even here, I'm thinking about how I'm wasting his time and it's not fair to him etc., The thought that I'm wasting MY time and MY energy doesn't seem to be important at all to me. I don't seem to care about my suffering as long as there's some happiness that comes from being in a relationship. How can I believe that I'm a good person and yet accept treatment that makes me feel little? For years! May be I don't believe I deserve good things or I am not in my own corner. Not sure what's going on. But it still baffles me.

Any thoughts?