Frustrated with myself

Hello! I'm looking for some support. I don't know where else to go. I am struggling as an adult, and I'm embarrassed by it. I mismanage money and consistently cause my own problems.

The biggest thing recently has been my car. It was stolen, but I didn't have insurance on it. So, I just kept driving it with the damage caused, then it got stolen again, because I forgot to lock the door, and this time I had the wrong insurance, so I just don't have a car now. A few years ago, I was collectively gifted 30k and I don't know where it went, honestly. I have this RV that I messed up the paperwork on, so it sits in storage that I pay for and I have no idea what to do with it because I technically don't own it. It's like, I put myself in a prison, and I don't know how to get out.

I've been given a bunch of great opportunities, but I seem to destroy them all. I don't want to keep living like this, but the hatred for myself comes out in these terrible ways, and albeit melodramatic, I fantasize about my suicide and the relief it could bring. I have sought treatment for this, but you know, it's weird. My experience with therapy has been superficial, and although I have received some useful diagnosis, the professionals don't seem to care or understand, it's like, I am getting the sense that it's not seeming serious enough.I keep thinking that more money would solve my issue, but what I believe I need is to feel some kind of love I don't believe I have and support, that I am too embarrassed to ask for and not sure I'll receive.

What is most difficult is that I have this belief about my self that I can't seem to shake, which is I've always been an idiot and no one will love me. I have more evidence of that than any other feeling.

I am a spiritual person, but sometimes I have a hard time shaking the idea that I am a burden, and I get guidance and fumble it.

I also think that my life is some kind of karma, but anything I have done wrong to other people I can justify through my mental illness, maybe? Anyway, I would hope the universe gives me grace because anyone who was abusive to me is living a wonderful life, and they all have cars :O

The healthiest relationship I have is with my dog, I got a spiritual reading that said that this isn't healthy, because I'm using her to hide the fact that I'm incredibly lonely.

But, if I mention this to real people, I don't think they can understand either. Similar witht he therapists,, it just seems like my problems aren't severe enough to talk about, I'm not battling addiction, I don't have kids to take care of, on paper, I should be able to support myself. But the weight of my life is crashing down on me, and I believe I want relief, but when I get it, I also feel like I don't deserve it. Even writing this I feel like a punk, but this is my attempt at moving away from hiding.

So, first, I went to ChatGPT to see if anyone philosophical principle to see if I could ever be justified in committing suicide, because my religion says I'm not allowed. Plus, a lot of people in my life believe it's a cop out. CHATGPT essentially says I need to keep trying, I'm not at a point where I can die with dignity. I personally don't think my death would affect anyone too greatly, actually it would save my business money if I passed and the problems/disappointment I cause other people would also cease. It seems like either it wouldn't have much of an impact or it would better.

These are just my thoughts, I don't think I'm brave enough and also, my dog, I know she would feel the impact and I think it's unethical to put her down just because I want to die. She's saved my life, before I got her about a decade ago I was contemplating suicide then too, funny, this is just me I guess.

There are some young people in my life who are incredible and quite sweet, and I wish I could be a better adult for them, but honestly just felt like I'm example of what not to do.

I'm writing this in hopes of hearing from people who just know how this feels, also if anyone has some wise words, cool. Also, if anyone needs a camper without a title, DM me.