I'll probably be gone by the end of August.

I am an 18 year old woman. I never expected to make it to 18 years old.

Honestly i expected to be gone by 2021 but made it this far somehow. But now as i'm going to 12th grade in September i'm not sure i can keep going any longer.

I have pretty bad social anxiety and my bad hygiene is not helping me either. I don't really get along with any of my classmates and honestly I just want to drop out but unfortunately that is obviously not an option for me.

But honestly i would rather just straight up die than go back to school and embarrass myself any further than I already have. I don't want to stay up all night scared for tomorrow to come just because of school again.

I don't see a future for myself. Compared to everyone around me I am quite untalented, lazy, sloppy and clumsy. Even a simple 6 hour job gets me tired and stressed. My working speed is also way slower compared to everyone around me. I am honestly quite pathetic. I am convinced I have no bright future ahead of me. I'll never become anything meaningful and i'll probably be living from paycheck to paycheck or i'll just be homeless.

I don't feel like i belong into this world. I've never really had a family who loved or wanted me, I have never gotten along with any of my classmates and i have only 1 close friend who is probably also sick of me by now. I am convinced that I am the problem since if no one can tolerate me, clearly they're not the issue.

I feel like I won't be missed, I feel like the world will probably be a better place without people like me in it.

What's the point of continuing to fight and suffer just to work till i'm 70 and die of exhaustion anyway. Perhaps I am just a spoiled brat who expects everything to be handed to them without lifting a finger but that also gives me another reason to think that the world would be better without people like me.

I'm sorry if my wording is weird, I have always struggled to express myself properly. Plus, english is not my first language which makes forming sentences even harder for me. That is probably why i have many grammatical errors so i apologize for that!

Anyway I'm sorry for this random rambling I just needed to get it all out of me. It won't matter if i'll be judged by this post as after death nothing I left behind matters anymore.