I keep isolating myself out of fear of being replaced or forgotten

I’ve been struggling with friendship lately. I get scared that if I join a group, I’ll be ignored because I don’t have anything interesting to add. Especially when the conversation turns to gossip or shared memories I’m not part of. I usually only hang out with my sister and cousin, but when someone new joins us, I start to feel jealous or insecure, like I’ll be replaced because they’re more fun or likable.

Recently, my lab partners invited me to lunch on the last day, and I told them I had work, which was partly true. But the real reason I didn’t go is because I was scared. Scared I’d just sit there, not knowing how to keep the connection going beyond that one moment. I feel stuck. I crave connection, but I’m also afraid of it. Sometimes I wonder if what I really want isn’t friendship but a relationship, because it feels more stable, like someone you can call your own. Unlike friends who are shareable, come and go, and sometimes forget you.

Girls make me nervous now. I don’t feel comfortable with them the way I used to, and I have almost no experience with guys either. I’m in this weird place where I feel really lonely but too afraid to try, and at the same time unsure if I even want to anymore. Still, I want to. I just don’t know how to start.