I hope this helps encourage some of you (and me) to actually stop for good

This has been what feels like a dirty secret of mine for far too long. I'm going to write it here for some accountability to stop for good because I keep relapsing and it is causing me serious mental health issues. I have never told anyone outright that I watch it because I feel an immense amount of shame.

I'll start by saying that I (25M) have been watching porn for what must be something like 12 years by now. I have tried to stop several times with mixed results and have gone a month at most without it before relapsing.

Here's where I'm at so far:

Like a lot of men, it started with someone at school showing you pictures and videos of naked ladies - which as a young lad in the full throws of puberty, was the height of naughty schoolboy entertainment. This was the early 2010s, and of course I then began secretly looking up these things online for myself.

It wasn't long before I stumbled upon porn.

Being pubescent, I also started exploring myself through masturbation, and the two things went together like salt and vinegar on chips. Apologies for ruining your meal...

I should add at this point that I was extremely shy, bullied, and very lonely at this time in my life and this only seems to have made matters worse. When I was feeling lonely at night time, I would use it as a comfort to pretend even just for 20 minutes that I could have a connection with someone. Anyone. What more intimate connection is there between two people than sex? Even if its pretend?

This made me feel guilty and I then watched more and masturbated more because its addictive. The guilt got even worse and it is a vicious cycle that I'm sure many are familiar with.

Fast-forward a decade or so and the loneliness is a little better. But the porn and shame attached to it is still stubbornly there. The difference now is that I am in a job surrounded by similarly aged men who have zero problem brazenly exclaiming their love of the seedy side of life. Inevitably, they try and get me to indulge in their discussions of their favourite porn, but I freeze with shame at the question of "So what is your go-to category?" with 4 pairs of burly, beady eyes excitedly anticipating my answer. I can't say "Oh I watch..." because I am trying to stop. I can't say "Well actually, I'm trying to stop and I don't think its right" because that is not an answer they will accept.

The shame continues and so does the porn, but at least it is more manageable today than 12 years ago.

Now, I am not immune to the lures of a foxy lady any more than any other man, but porn of course is something entirely different than just "Haha, look! Naked ladies!".

I have slowly come to the realisation that a lot of porn is fundamentally exploitative of ashamed lonely men looking for a connection, and I have been its target audience these past 12 years. It is fantasy and advertising in their most twisted form, and I'm convinced it is helping to erase the personal connections between people and perpetuating loneliness.

Now for some good news...

Here is what I have done so far in my life. These have massively helped me from where I was at because I watch it far less often than I used to. My watch time is down from practically every day a few years ago (sometimes twice a day), to a couple of times a week.

• I now have a job that I enjoy, despite the complete and utter tools that I work with. This gives me a great sense of purpose in life and lessens the guilt that I am not unworthy of actual love. Fuck those assholes. I'm better than that.
• I now have a social hobby with group of people that are not toxic. Quite the opposite! Looking to expand this to some other clubs, but there aren't too many near me. Honestly, this has been the biggest help. It is a water-based sports/fitness club with a good social atmosphere that if nothing else, helps to replace the feeling of loneliness. Sorry, but being in the gym is depressing to me. At least with a fitness club I can actually talk to people, rather than feel judged from a distance in a hot sweaty room.
• I now have a lot more personal hobbies than just "messing around online on the computer in my room". For me, just the fact of having a computer in a quiet room helps to trigger the relapses, so being away from it as often as possible certainly helps. Again, I do things instead that help give me purpose in life: I go for long walks, foraging, days out to places, make all sorts of things whether its cooking, woodworking, or playing the piano again. The satisfaction of doing these things as best as I can and being proud of them is a real help in replacing the false satisfaction of porn.

Hopefully this wasn't too long to read, and hopefully it helps inspire some others out there to stop for good.

Best of luck to everyone else out there trying to stop. I'm behind you all the way!