Overreacting?

For context I have mild cerebral palsy that affects my motor skills and other stuff that I couldn’t be able to do as others and needed help. I’m 19 now and have been reflecting on my childhood and how I was treated.

Showering was hard for me, so my mom helped me give me a shower at night and morning every other day; wash my body and hair and all that. I would use a bath chair in case I’d slip, still now use it on my own. She was doing this until I was 17.

She would mostly had an attitude while showering me, either fed up with the fact I can’t shower by myself or about life or get annoyed because my bratty sister just made her angry and it flowed onto me. She would often criticize me about my face being picked, because I had bad dermatillomania back then, and say things like, ‘am I going to shower you when you’re 60? What’re you going to do when I’m gone? When are you going to learn to shower by yourself?’ and I would be in a position where either no answer would be right because yes meant ‘mm’ and no meant ‘mhm, sure’. She would always count to three before spraying my hair, but on some days she would not count to three so she would basically ‘drown’ me where I would get water in my eyes and gasp for air. I would have to hold my breath before she would spray in case she would not count to three. Sometimes she would shower me fast to get it done with. After showering, on bad days, she would dry me off and just leave me to clothe myself. Of course, I knew how to do it and could do it fine but after the actual bad showering part I would just cry silently and ask myself why was she being so mean. Good days would look like calm and peaceful bathing where she would ask me questions or talk about work life. I think I was still worried about her flipping tho. I would pray for her to not be in a mood and most likely I guess she was. I didn’t really blame myself for the actions, I just thought why was she being so mean. I didn’t do anything. I didn’t know why she was taking it out on me. She knew she had to let me take a shower by myself at one point but she’d always say that it was just easier for her to shower me. My sister kept asking my mom when am I going to learn how to take a shower. It made me feel guilty. People could say I needed this push and I agree and I don’t know if it was tough love or not. In summer 2023 in the morning my mom had an attitude and just basically just left me to take a shower by myself. No help. No anything. I knew how to do everything since it’s been since elementary to junior year of my high school years and I knew what products to use, so I was pretty okay with it, but I was nervous you know. I did it tho. After the shower she came in and congratulated me on taking one, ‘you did it! See? You showered!’, while I was still nervous about it all.

Every time I think about these moments, because it was so much of them I guess, I cry and sob about it. She was so mean to me, she basically couldn’t bother with me at some days, and I didn’t know that it was not okay. I was 12,13,14,15,16,17 and younger when she was doing this and I didn’t know.

Since then i’m able to shower completely fine on my own and bathe and dry and clothe myself. I’m so glad I don’t have to go through that fear of if she’s going to be in a bad mood or not. Yeah, it’s just a lot to process and I’m still stuck on whether at the end of if it was tough love or not but how could it be? She basically said do it yourself I’m so tired of this and left. I remember one time I was in my room and she said, ‘you can write a book and not shower by yourself?’ I don’t know. Maybe I’m overreacting about the ending.

What do you think about all of this? Thank you for reading.