Serious help

these days i’m having serious thoughts about committing suicide. i don’t wanna do it, but idk why my mind keeps throwing it at me like it’s the only option left.

i’m 19 (turning 20 this year). passed 12th in 2023. parents got divorced like 7 months ago. got into a college but never went — didn’t have the money. obv my parents were busy fixing themselves, so i guess they forgot i existed. vere oru vazhiyum illa. thought i’ll take a drop year and try defence exams. cos why not? nthayalum cash illa, padippikkan aalum illa.

wrote a bunch of exams — missed cutoffs by 1 mark, 0.75, 1.15... like i’m always just almost there but never quite. last time, i cleared navy’s written and everything 1.6km, pushups, squats ellam clear aayi. situps il 15 venam ennu paranjath. i did 12. got to13 fingers lock aavanam thala de pinnil ahh lock vitt. disqualified. veettilkk pokkolan paranju.

i always wanted to do engineering. but i know my situation my dad never gave a fuck about me. 2 varshamayi njan veettil irikkunnu, padikkanonnum povunnilla. bro never even asked me once what i’m planning to do. or like “padikkanonnum ponde?” nothing. we barely talk. i don’t talk to him either.

so i decided i’ll write KEAM this year. after the exam, i planned to work, make money for fees. wrote KEAM, got a shitty ass rank. not blaming anyone. still had hope. started working 3 months ago, made some money. now i got 40k in my account.

then boom. i got a private college in allotment. had to pay 80k before today. got the news on the 31st. well well well. i knew i was cooked. no one was gonna help. called my mom she’s helpless, but trying her best. dad? Hmm.

so now i’m just sitting here rethinking every fuckin thing. i don’t wanna give up on myself like my father gave up on me. but now idk what to do with my life.

can’t write KEAM again, i got allotted and didn’t join, so debarred for 2 years. can’t write JEE cos only allowed for 2 years after 12th.

i got options, maybe, idk:

1. take BCA distance thru IGNOU, save money, buy a laptop, grind, learn frontend and shit

2. continue working till november, join a crash course like brilliant, try for CUSAT CAT

3. do some 6-month accounting course... but idk what the fuck to do after that

someone tell me something. anything. i’m losing grip.