I hate being neurodivergent

I feel like none of the words I have are enough to describe how much I hate the way I work. I hate how I think. How I act. How I am. All of it. Everything. It's just not correct. I hate being neurodivergent so much. Why the fuck did I have to be built like this?? And it's like, I see other people with ADHD managing it just fine with good grades, a social life, relationships and it's like, wtf is wrong with me then?? I hate how my brain works so much. I hate how slow I am in conversation and how pressed I get about it sometimes. I cut myself and got blood stains all over my pants over one awkward interaction one time. And these days I feel like I just can't stand to be around people anymore. I have to force myself to talk to people otherwise I could literally go weeks without speaking to a single person. I can't spend time with friends anymore because hanging out with people is starting to feel like the mental equivalent of holding a wall sit for some strange reason. I never have anything to say, ever, and saying random shit and being all "Hehe I have ADHD I'm so quirky uwu 🥺👉👈" can only take you so far before it becomes annoying as fuck. I feel like I'm always disappointing everyone I meet too. Like, people somehow think I'm this multitalented genius freak when they first meet me and then I just don't live up to that at all. I've disappointed every teacher I've ever worked with because they're always telling me some bullshit along the lines of "oh yk you're really smart but yk you just need to like apply yourself" and then giving me these ridiculous targets and I end up feeling like shit for not being able to reach them. And the fact that I'm about to graduate high school too lowkey makes me want to kms because I feel like I've spent these past few years just hanging on for dear life and I'm nowhere near ready to move on. I feel like this and everything else I'm saying sounds so much more stupid now that I'm writing it down but literally no one I talk to seems to understand the sheer paralyzing dread I get from the thought of graduating and growing up and having to choose a career(heavy emphasis on this one), having to learn how to organize myself and be a functional adult and having to leave behind all the structure and predictability of high school and it's all just too much and I would genuinely rather kms. And the fact that I stupidly chose to do IB as well makes this so much worse because now this last year is gonna be hell and I still just cannot bear to try to think about anything past that. Dawg idfk anymore all I know is those knives in the kitchen look more appetizing than the food. I'm gonna leave out the details obviously but I very vividly imagine doing some fucked up shit to myself sometimes and I just don't know atp 😭😭. I don't really view myself as being human, if that makes sense, yk?? I think I'll stop here before this shit gets any more incoherent than it already is.