Entry 1: The Funeral Was Just Me

Hi. If I were to begin my story somewhere, I’d begin today (July 31st, 2025, 2 AM IST), approximately 17 days ahead of my 30th birthday.

Life is full of highs and lows, and particularly when everything feels wrecked, that’s when you start reflecting on your life. Many films and shows use the premise that near-death experiences make people revisit the moments that shaped them. Maybe the same could be said for experiencing profound grief.

Trauma and emotional anguish were my undoing.

For me, it was a seemingly insignificant breakup.
And no, it wasn’t the first time a romantic relationship ended. But this one was intense and for many reasons (soon I would discover why), it became the closest I’ve ever come to feeling like I was dying. It made me look back at 28 years of my life and realize that it had been riddled with disappointment.

It’s uncanny how, on a day when you’re drowning in despair, your mind can only conjure failures.
It’s all about perspective, and it just keeps crashing, again and again. The realizations ebbing and flowing like tides in an ocean pulled by the moon.

Why begin the story now, after nearly living half, if not the majority, of my life?
Because today was the day that I died.
30th July 2025.
And it wasn’t effortless.

I had to release every relationship that existed in my inner circle.
No one is at this funeral but me, and the apparition of who I used to be.
Because now, when I glance back at my life, I see nothing but darkness.
Not a consuming black hole, but a tranquil abyss.
Both serenity and devastation coexist on the same canvas in my mind.
It’s all black.
And I laid myself to rest in that darkness.

People endure countless breaking points in their lives and rely on various methods to survive.
So did I.
I resorted to old tactics that once brought comfort. I gravitated toward emotionally unavailable people and made them my guiding light.
It was the blind leading the blind.

So today, I stand at zero years old.
Maybe I’ll celebrate my first birthday on my chronological 30th.

Just like a newborn, I’m dazed, overstimulated, and absorbing everything in unfamiliar hues. I’m considering the past year a stretch of oblivion — from zero to however many months it took to reach lucidity.

From Oblivion to Vision, maybe.
August 16, 1995**, 2025, my new genesis.**

#grief

#healing

#breakup

#rebirth

#selfreflection

#personalgrowth

#trauma

#lifeafterlove

#mentalhealth

#writingthroughpain

#emotionalrecovery

#lettinggo

#turning30

#diaryentry