I dislike but like my family at the same time.

When I was two years old my father cheated on my mother with a girl from the gym. From what I know they never kissed or anything just flirted in the gym and went on dates. My parents got married in 2009 and divorced 2014. They had been together for 14 years in total. I have an older sister who’s 2 years older than me. my dad has a girlfriend since 2022, I have 3 step siblings, they’re 21, 19 and 12. and my mom a fiancé that she’s dated since 2019 and a son with that fiancé. my half-brother is younger by 10 years. I can’t help but think that if I never existed, would they be happy now? My dad got more protective and was even wary of my grandma holding my older sister when she was a newborn. My parents sat at opposite ends of the couch before everything happened and while my mom watched tv my dad played on his iPad, all the time, they didn’t communicate at all when fighting. They just walked around quiet. Then my mom’s best friend said that she saw my dad talking to another girl in the gym. My mom’s suspicions had been confirmed. She asked him, are you seeing anyone? He said no. Lied. Until one day he finally said “have you noticed things are different between us?” Mom was like “what do you mean?” Since they were basically highschool sweethearts and grew up with each other, mom didn’t know whah to do without him. But she knew that day would come. So he confessed. that girl my dad met (not his now-girlfriend) was yelling at my mom infront of people and my dad did nothing.Bc

I don’t love but don’t hate my mom’s fiancé. He’s just there, exists. Sometimes he’s annoying and I just want him to leave. Things were better before my mom met him. Not that he’s abusive or anything but life was just.. easier. We could’ve stayed in that good apartment without moving to a house where I don’t feel comfortable living in since a man is there who’s not my dad. I don’t even feel comfortable in mom or dad’s house. I can’t wait till I move out to my own apartment where I can just be alone without someone talking to me or needing something from me every 10 minutes. I feel suffocated. My dad is angry at me for the smallest stuff and has little to no patience. I’m afraid he’ll snap one day. He’s grabbed me and pushed me around before but never hurt me like that. He’s called me names. Called me selfish, egoistical, idiot, and other stuff. He never apologizes and when he does it’s always before I go to bed. I guess I know where my horrible apologizing skills come from. What hurts the most is I found a video in my grandpas computer (he records literally everything) and I watched it with my mom, it was my dad and mom’s wedding day. I saw her smile. Like she was getting flashbacks. She was happy. And it made me tear up a little. I found a card of them thanking my aunt for helping, it said their names on it and the year they married, then inside is a beautiful picture on their wedding day when they sit next to each other with my fathers arm around her. Okay I’m just ranting at this point but I just needed this off my chest.