I don’t know how to function properly without being overwhelmed by all kinds of fear, uneasy feelings and more

So first up, for three days know I live with the panic that everything I do is one moment that will never come back and that I am dying and will never life and that I am dead. Basically amplified since I first got that fear in ninth grade. Not „when I am X old, I might…“ because I will reach that age and I will pass that age and I can’t change it and I can’t eat or sleep without feeling like crap or wanting to puke. Part of me wishes to pass out and wake up in that kind of mental state where you are just barely self aware enough to like, read books and somewhat communicate, but are oblivious to much else. It sounds awful but I want it to stop. But I know it won’t stop.

School has the fear that if I do not do it right, I will fail. My short existence will be miserable and I won’t be able to change it because this is my one shot before I stop existing and forget everything. I’m not very social, at least not offline, and online I am afraid my friends will vanish, die without me meeting them. Not as big as the fear of death, but there.

I am not even 20 yet. I should have time. But that time is not coming back and nothing is certain. My insides hurt and when I think „I forgot that“, it comes back like a punch. Whenever I get slightly happy again these past three days I become even more miserable.

I even googled it and started hyperventilating on how to deal with it, cause the articles mostly just talked how I felt and that hurt and scared me and it used to be fine! Especially after my best friend died cause I would meet her again. But surprise, she lives, and my fear just became worse (though I am overjoyed she gets to fulfill her dreams).

I usually know what to do. A song once helped me, so I convinced myself the song would always help, but now it’s the first time it failed. I can’t hug plushies without knowing I will lose them, and all I love, heck when I try and hug my mother I remember she will be a cold corpse just as I!

It’s not like I wanna be told it’ll be alright, cause it won’t, as we all die. I personally uphold the belief that after death, there will be a fantasy world (and I hope I will remember all kind of stuff). Just the thought of not being, not breathing or even existing without memories or moving or just ending scares me out of using what time I have.

Please, just tell me how I can stop my brain from decaying faster, or make it quiet, or delete thoughts. I just wanna snuggle in bed without existential distress.