Why i wonder!

Everytime i decide to draw the line and walk to the street waiting for a truck or bus to jump on, i just get scared. Why? Is my survival instinkt kickin in or am i just that much of a coward? I know there is no "real" answer, I dont even know if this kind of post is alowed, i just i dont know, i dont get it. I dont get me. I do not feel hope so its not that at least not concious. And, i tried to reach out for help, but its blocked, either by paywalls, or verification bullshit only to found out im TO sick for help or to old. Yes i was kicked out of one helpline because i was to sick to be treated. So i dont know what to do anymore, to sick to life to scared to go. Its the worst possible situation.