Just tired of falling

I'm a male in my late 20s, single (for a long time now) and currently working in the hospitality industry in a beautiful but isolated rural area.

I've been struggling with intense sadness and emotions I don't know how to handle.

On my bad days I feel so lonely and lost, and that I hate myself and feel like I'm a waste of time, space, and resources. On these days I also feel like nothing moves or inspires me, and that I'm a burden to everyone around me.

I've dealt with depression since I was a teenager, starting around age 12, and have gone through many years of therapy with different psychologists and even a psychiatrist. I'm in a much, MUCH, better place now compared to where I was 4 or 5 years ago, but this dark feeling still calls to me and pulls me down and it's just exhausting and confusing.

To put it into an analogy, it feels like I'm in a deep hole, constantly trying to climb out. When I'm high on the rope, I feel like I'm in a good spot and can see the good in life and be grateful. But it's just so exhausting because these feelings never last that long. I just fall and fall and I'm so tired. My mind feels tired and confused, because every day I have a different perspective on how I feel and what I want in life. I feel exhausted and guilty, because I really do try to see the light, and some days I manage to, but others I just fall back into that deep hole and the process starts again, where I get up and start climbing the rope again.