I left a discord server of friends I have known for 10+ years. Here's why

Written as a message to the friends if they ever ask why I left. Warning contains mentions of depression

I left because I’ve been feeling isolated for a long time.

Months ago, I was having fun playing Marvel Rivals, and helping others climb to Celestial and GM. Then I was left to finish my ranked climb to Celestial alone, at the hardest part, after everyone else got what they wanted. Like my goals, wishes, and enjoyment meant nothing.

That’s when the real isolation started.

I played alone, night after night. And if I hadn’t joined y'all's voice chats, we probably wouldn’t have spoken at all. Even when I did, the conversations revolved around whatever game you were playing. I was just a voice in the background, not really part of it.

I even re-climbed to Celestial by myself trying to hit Eternity. I said I wanted to compete in the tournament. No one showed interest in playing with me for ONE day. So I found a team and played alone, like I always seem to.

• No one cared that I wanted to hit Eternity.
• No one cared that I wanted to play in the tournament with you guys.
• No one cared that I was left behind.
• No one cared that the guy with clinical depression was sitting in queue by himself every single night, crying.
• No one knows I’m about to go back on anti-depressants.
• No one knows I have scary intrusive thoughts every day.

I’ve made it clear how much I love Marvel Rivals. But whenever I bring it up, it’s always negativity.

When people finally played again, for one night, it was fun. But it went right back to complaining about everything from Wolverine’s kit, matchmaking, map design, competitive team changes, tank armor, tank design, support ults, triple healer comp, and more. Even in losses where the problems were obvious: one-tricking Hulk into Wolverine, refusing to swap and getting diffed, tunnel-visioning; it's just nonstop griping about something that brings me a lot of joy.

And honestly, a lot of the critiques don’t make sense if you’ve actually been playing the game consistently. It’s like after months of not touching it, you expected to come back, be a genius, and win every match.

It made me feel more alone than ever in something I care about. Even if it’s “just a game,” it matters to me. Gaming has been how I’ve connected with friends my entire life.

It goes back even to the BG3 playthrough, I thought we were having fun, and then I was just abandoned at the start of Act 3 and never played with again. Another multiplayer game I was left to play by myself.

And this is a recurring pattern, I have at least 3 other examples of just being abandoned.

I get ignored in text chats. My opinions get shit on. My excitement about patch notes gets dismissed. Videos I send in chat, get no replies.

This wasn’t impulsive. I’ve been feeling this for a long time.

I’m not angry. I’m not cutting ties. I’m not unfriending anyone on Discord or Steam.

But being in that space has been making my depression much worse. I’ve been trying to keep it together, but every time I log on and feel ignored, dismissed, or talked over, it pushes me a little further down. And no one even noticed.

I don’t want to keep pretending I’m fine when I’m not. I’ve been crying alone and asking myself whether being in that server means anything anymore.

Maybe one day I’ll come back. But right now, I need to find somewhere that doesn’t make me feel like I’m an outcast.

Я был рядом. Вы знали. Вам было всё равно.