Our friend’s autism burnout

Hi, I’m not really sure if this is the right place to post this, but I thought it would be helpful to get some good advice on this situation. I understand this is a sensitive topic and want to be as empathetic as possible.

My husband and I have a good friend (40m) who was diagnosed with autism and ADHD about 6 months ago. He is married to his wife (also our friend) and have four children, ages 12-5.

Our friend (we’ll call him Jay), has really been struggling since his diagnosis, understandably. He was previously working a successful job but can no longer work, is extremely burned out, and has not been able to care for his children for the past few months. He smokes weed daily and is unable to cope or sleep without it. We think he has a therapist from what he’s told us but we aren’t sure how often he sees this therapist or how helpful they are. His wife (we’ll call her Sally) is doing everything on her own—taking care of their kids, caring for him when he has breakdowns and/or experiences shutdown (often leaving their young kids alone for many hours since he says he needs her with him), all the grocery shopping, house cleaning, driving, etc. I can see how much she is struggling carrying all of this on her own and how much he is also struggling with his diagnosis.

Their children also tell us how they are left alone at home a lot and sometimes their parents disappear and they don’t know where they are. I’m assuming maybe she’s helping him work through a breakdown and that’s why they’re gone for so long?

Whenever we see them we try to help with the kids and be emotionally supportive, but it’s so hard to see both of our friends struggling like this. Jay’s burnout seems to only be getting worse. He also seems to now think everyone has autism and has told his family members and ourselves and children included that we all have autism too, which we do not. He is also trying to give us Adderall and claims it will help us and “change our lives.” We are super concerned for him.

I think I would just like some advice on how to best help them/support them from others who have experienced this. We love them and can see both of them are struggling and aren’t sure where our place is in this. For anyone who has experienced burnout before, what was helpful from close friends? What support did your partner/spouse need? Do you have any input on individuals who have been diagnosed later in life? Thank you so much, we just love both of them.