I’m drinking tonight.

I don’t really know why I’m posting this. I guess it’s a rant. I’m broken. I don’t feel like myself. This is a whole new account. I don’t really want the dms that come with posting here, but I also know no other subreddit would understand I don’t think.

I’m in therapy. I’m trying to work on things. But I think my marriage is ending and I’m terrified, devastated, and wondering if it’s my fault.

I usually domme my husband. But I need submission. And I found someone who gives it to me through a subreddit not unlike this one. And through that I realized I only became a domme for him. For his pleasure. But the steam I got from that has run out. I am racing towards burn out at a rapid rate and I’m feeling a little self destructive tonight.

So I got a stuffed crust pizza, and I’m going to sit here and eat and drink until I feel better or pass out. I have therapy tomorrow. I’m not looking forward to telling her about this. This is truly the only self destructive thing I’ve done. I am the strait laced one. I have a single drink at the bar and then just water. I work a high stress job. I never even dyed my hair until I found out my work doesn’t care about hair color. My rebellious phase was listening to rock music with both headphones in. I was a virgin until I was 22 and on birth control and used a condom at the same time.

Yet I’ve always felt broken. Like I belong here. I need someone to tell me what to do. I found that. But he lives halfway across the world and I can’t tell my husband because my husband uses me like a kink dispenser.

I love my husband, I love the life we have, but I need to be on my knees. I need to not hold the reins for once. I just need to not have to worry.