Medicine for my panic/anxiety and chronic depression stole my inner world but it's better this way for now.

I have c-PTSD obviously. I have mostly emotional flashbacks and unwanted memories. The extreme abuse I suffered has caused me to have chronic depression and anxiety. So I'm on mood stabilizers, snri, and antipsychotics. I'm on the highest dose of the snri.

The snri works well, a little bit too well. I no longer feel passion, joy, sadness, anger, or love that strongly anymore. Before I felt emotions very strongly and I cried a lot. I'd cry if I was happy, sad, or angry. Now I don't cry and when I do it's just a few tears then it's gone.

I have also lost the ability to imagine things and see pictures in my head. Before I would sleep I would imagine worlds and create characters and scenes. Now I just have thoughts and it keeps me awake. Now I pray to a God I'm unsure is there to kill me to sleep. I also can no longer day dream.

I can't create art anymore my creativity and passion is missing. I can no longer experience getting into the zone where my lines flow effortlessly from my pencil and lines become an image. Sometimes I trace things to feel a pencil between my fingers but I feel shame because it's not an artwork I made.

The medicine I am on is the only one that works for me. Others I am a nervous wreck and one flashback away from a breakdown. I don't blame the meds or the doctor. I blame the people who neglected and abused me until I was 24 years old. If I was treated the way I deserved I would still be alive inside but for now I need to survive and until I get farther along in my journey this is a necessary sacrifice I have to make.