I could feel the mascara run, you told me you met someone

Dear C,

“I could feel the mascara run, you told me you met someone”, that line on a Taylor Swift’s song has been looping in my head since the night you said you were pursuing someone. It’s been six months. I told you I hoped it would go well. And I meant that, even as something inside me quietly broke.

For the last five years, we were never really together, but we were never really apart. We said maybe one day, and maybe we tried, or maybe we only told ourselves we did.

You said you weren’t ready. I said I wasn’t either. Maybe that was true. Maybe it was easier than saying we didn’t know how to choose each other.

But here’s the truth I never spoke aloud: I was waiting for you to choose me. To take the risk, to reach for my hand and say, “Let’s do this. Let’s figure it out together.”

I wasn’t ready, but I would’ve been if only you took the risk.

I spent so long believing we’d find our way together. That time would soften the edges, that the universe would finally make space for us, together. But when you said you met someone, I finally understood, you weren’t waiting, you weren’t unsure. You were just waiting for someone else.

You were ready, just not for me.

And that’s okay. I needed to hear it, so I could stop holding my breath.

It’s been 11 years since I first met you, and now, I am finally letting you go.

Thank you, M