Sorry if it seems unorganised

The thing that I have lost with me is gone. My favorite coping mechanism, which is usually masturbation, which is not the healthiest, but it is what I do, is taken away from me because like recently my mother has just been done about the hypersexuality that I kind of developed because she's abusive and now I feel like disgusted by it, but like also it's the only way I cope and that's the only thing that's going to make me feel good, but if I do, I might end up breaking down in tears and I'm already in tears right now because like thinking about it, I'm probably going to break down in tears if I start, but I really want to do it, so it's just going to leave me with a nasty feeling after, but it's a feeling that also comforts me and I want to touch myself so bad and I hate the fact that it was through hypersexuality I coped with a lot of things that I'm getting abused with, but like as well as the fact that I know without the hypersexuality I wouldn't have been living today and I don't know man, I'm just so tired right now. I'm so tired. I wanna move out but i literally live in jamica and its prolly gonna be worse if i do and i wamti go to college and stuff but i have this term of 6th form paid for and i cant do it without funds that she can afford. But then again, I'm actually mentally degrading whenever I'm around her and actually genuinely losing my sanity. And it's just a struggle in between choosing whether I want my... to continue and pursue a potential career if I don't end up giving up on life or or leaving an abusive household. And I'm going to just push on just for the potential of a career because I promise I'm not a bad kid. I'm president of clubs. I'm well loved and adored by teachers and people around me. Everyone has a good thing to say about me, except for my family. And when your family is fighting against you, people are always going to take their side over yours. And that sucks.