I’m an alcoholic and am afraid to even go to church because I feel like I don’t belong there, even though everyone would say I do

I’m 29 years old and have steadily been increasing my drinking more and more over the past year or so. My maternal uncle passed back in 2021 and the habit started not long after, but grew very very slowly. Though I’m not at the point yet where I start my day with liquor though. It’s just when I feel anxious or bored or lonely, I drink enough to make those feelings go away and feel comfortable in my skin again. My go to is usually whiskey, but vodka is fine too. I can’t even really measure how much I drink by standard drinks, since I usually just take from the bottle directly until I stop.

This past weekend, I even drank before going into church (literally sat in my car in the parking lot and had two big sips of Jim Beam). Because, not only am I in an upscale neighborhood and with a congregation that is full of financially well off people, I simply didn’t feel like I belonged there. I even half seriously expected to get to the doors and have God come down and bar the entrance and turn me away. Yes, I’m that stupid.

Drinking is the only thing that makes life bearable. Coming home to an empty house and waking up to a phone with no text messages besides from your parents weighs on you. I literally don’t have any friends and have basically given up on trying to make any. Because everyone probably already has their established social circles and don’t need to add a pathetic drunk to it.

But I’m going way off topic for this sub, I know. I’m not even a devout Christian. I’m like 60% agnostic but trying to keep an open mind, read Scripture, etc until hopefully I feel something other than the buzz from liquor. I want so badly to feel something.