Wishing good things for you

It feels like the end.

I wish you had an inkling of what I’m going through. I’d write it all down in case you happened to ever come back to reddddt but even if I did you might think I had an ulterior motive or agenda.

My brain and body are short circuiting but I wanted to get some words out while they still make sense.

I would never say words with a desire to motivate you to do something. I speak simply to express myself and in the hope that I may be understood someday.

I am a simple person who is open to everyone, who believes in a good outcome and is willing to work hard for it. But I have been living amongst people who do not appreciate my best qualities and when given the chance, have thoughtlessly twisted something good into something bad over and over again. The worst is that my closest people now have done the same to me but because they have been psychodyfunctionalized, I shouldn’t really blame them. And yet it tugs at my sense of worth and well being. The constant negative feedback I’ve received from people here whether spoken or unspoken have done a serious number on my mind and heart and many cracks appeared over the years but now what was once whole is frozen, paralyzed and very gravely falling apart. I’m losing time quickly as my brain and body are crapping out and I have lost all hope. There is nothing left here for you so I’m not asking for your return. Also I’m not sure if you know but I could never do what you do.

In my fantasies, we are perfect together. I admire you for everything you are and do, and I adore the rainbow of colors within, good and bad, up and down, strong and weak.

Sadly I was never able to be there for you in any real way and I know you were upset about that. All I can say is I’m Sorry. I wanted to, I really did but I was never allowed ans when I finally was I was forced to prove myself but when youve already failed a thousand times, where do you even start?

My “reality” isn’t exactly what you think. I can’t just make decisions where money is a deciding factor. And the lack of it and future prospects leaves me with only one option. You wanted a grand gesture that I could not give you due to it being very risky to my actual life. I wonder if you’d ever understand how difficult it’s been? At least I don’t have to pretend how I feel. He knows exactly how I feel and what I want. To say it out loud is to make it official and limits my options further if things were to go wrong. Mental health is a very real limit but homelessness and most likely sh is another. I wish you could understand.

Sorry all about me bla bla bla.

I think you are amazing and wonderful. It’s unfortunate the games and shenanigans always got in the way.

If I never spoke to you again I’d want you to know that I believe in you and want nothing other than joy peace and prosperity for you and your loved ones.

I’m sorry this broke us 😞

Please, look after yourself and enjoy your life! It’s my one last request.

With love x