Is it considered “emotional labour” when one person in a friendship/relationship is the only one to bring up conflict/unmet needs? Is this an issue of gender or temperament? Is it expected of us women to be the conflict co-ordinaters?

Firstly I’m not seeking advice on if I should leave my partner or not, I’m mostly wanting to vent and learn about emotional labour/ feminine masking/ its affect on women w autism etc. as well as advice that isn’t to leave my partner.

I’m struggling to understand the term emotional labour. For instance, in my partnership I’d say we are both great with chores/cooking/planning etc. the only thing I really notice a lack of balance is regarding conflict. I’m the one who brings conflicts up, and oftentimes I bring conflicts up at “the wrong time” and my partner doesn’t often come back to the conflict without careful prodding from me, and we can only have these dialogues on his terms. But he rarely takes the lead on this topic, even though he is the one who “needs more time” and even if the topic completely involves him, and his role in keeping a healthy relationship.

We have managed to solve many relational conflicts but I felt as though it was put on me to bring it up/ etc. there are small victories on his part but, it’s been weighing on me.

The thing is after years of this I am resentful on the multitude of topics I have had to bring up on my own over the years, and it’s affecting my attraction to my partner. I have begun to feel less connected and less giddy/excited. I feel mostly let down a lot of the time and wish for some more intimacy, and growth, and someone to carry the conflicts w me.

I’m so curious if this is an issue of emotional labour, and I want to educate myself to know how to handle this issue. I think bc of my one pointed focus. I end up doing loads and loads of emotional heavy-lifting for the both of us.

I want to say it’s a gender issue, but the women in my family have always neglected emotional heavylifting/ repair in relationships. I think a lot of folk can relate to having un-accountable caregivers/siblings, and I think this thing with my partner especially hurts bc it’s a reliving of my childhood neglect, albeit in a small way.

I am hoping change happens bc I really love my partner and for the most part, have a great time.