I don't know what to say

I guess this is it. Really. My dream is to be certain, to know what is caused by what, how to get true results, how to know for sure. I get sad thinking about myself in the past. Happy, not a worry in the world, certain. Now, I don't have that privilage anymore. I can't trust my past. I can't trust my natural self. I can't be someone who I wanted. I can't find relief, because it's false. I lost myself.

I deserve this.