I am sorry

(Marking as nsfw just in case)

I can’t do it anymore. I am sorry. I tried to give you signs. Fuck, I told you I’m not okay! I told you I’m feeling sad and need a therapist. I didn’t tell you I’m suicidal but you should’ve noticed! You’re my mom. You’ve struggled with mental health too, maybe not like me but you should know better than to brush it off as teenage hormones. You got me a therapist. It didn’t help. She asked me if I’ve had suicidal thoughts and if I’ve considered doing it. I said yes. Then she said “do I have to worry that you’re gonna harm yourself when you leave?” (The session) I said no. I lied. I’m sorry mom. She diagnosed me with anxiety and depression. I’ve told you more times than I can count that I think there’s something wrong with me, that I have ADHD. You brush it off. Again. I don’t even bother bringing it up. “Yeah we all do.” Like okay? I atleast want help for it. Hell, you caught me with a blade. You took it. And said I’m doing it for attention, my dad made me “confess” I’m doing it for attention. And yeah. Maybe I am. But I didn’t even feel the pain. So maybe I am a little crazy. But i was 10. I was 10 and hurting myself. I had stuff hidden in the corner of my rooms. I tried to give vague signs to my teacher in my goodbye letter when I changed schools. She didn’t notice. My favorite teacher who I related to since we had a very similar family situation didn’t notice. But she still managed to cheer me up. Play Billie Eilish at my funeral, preferably wildflower and what was I made for. But don’t cry over me, put on GUESS and lunch too. I love you mom.