As Someone Struggling with Their Own Alcoholism, Is It Fair to Tell My Sister in Law That Her Boyfriend has Gone Too Far With His Drinking?

Hey everyone, I could use some advice from the community here. This is a bit of a long one, so please buckle in if you have the time. I have been struggling with my own addiction to alcohol and its repercussions for about the last 5 years. It's been a pretty internal battle within myself and a private issue within my marriage, not shared outside of therapy. I won't deny that a few relapses have happened, but over the last year, I have truly turned the leaf on prioritizing my sobriety, along with the relationship I have with myself, my wife and others. I have accepted the fact I cannot safely drink and am moving forward with this understanding. I wanted to give a small background since it's relevant, but this is not about me.

Last Thursday night, my wife got a call from her sister that she needed to leave her boyfriend and move out immediately. She said she would be moving back in with their mom and taking the dog her boyfriend got for her as a gift about a year ago. My wife was extremely confused as she hadn't heard of any problems for them, but ultimately just offered to help whenever. They decided on the next night, Friday, because her sister knew that he would be out of town and it was "safe" for her. Fast forward to then and my wife drives an hour and a half to her sisters house after work, helps her load up everything in her car, and leave.

It turns out that he has been a struggling alcoholic since his teens and he is in his early 30's now. He was court mandated to be sober for 2-years and as soon as that was up, he went back to drinking the same day. His truth came out very slowly, so I initially had a lot of empathy for him. Why shouldn't I? I understand what he is going through to an extent. I deal with it. I've been a very ugly version of myself, while choosing to continue to drink. Because of this, my wife opened up to her sister about our experiences with addiction to let her know that she understood more than she knew. After the heart to heart, she learned our situations are not the same at all.

Since they got together about two years ago, he has been blacking out every single night. She often finds him on the kitchen floor, maybe on the phone to a distant relative. He is a traveling musician and uses this to say he needs to drink "for his job" even though a few of his band mates are sober. Oh, he has been driving her car across the state but doesn't have a license due to his past 2 DUIs and the current 7 points he has. He let my MIL by him a car without her knowing this. He throws their belongings around the house and breaks them. He is verbally abusive to the dog she took, and even "socked her one" (his words) because she got in bed and tried to snuggle by him when he was blacked out. The dog ended up with a swollen eye. He calls her entitled, and spoiled and says she never has had to work for anything in her life because she's a "pretty woman". Misogyny and bullshit aside, this is not true. My SIL has worked her ass off since I've known her. She literally just graduated with her BA in Childhood Educ. in May and he was drunk/slept through almost the entirety of the ceremony. We lost my FIL 3 years ago to Cancer. I was alongside them while he was sick, for almost 4 years. He looked her in the eye and told her that she was so lucky her dad died because he wished that his would (he chooses to have a relationship with his father). He laughed at her when she said if he wanted her to give this a chance, he would need to be sober and attend therapy. Then he said he would delete himself if she ever left him (this apparently wasn't the first time). She rented a storage unit just in case she needed to have a "to-go bag" ready somewhere. He called my wife and their mom drunk at 3AM and left 5 minute long voicemails. 2-days after moving out, she decided to give him another chance because she said he gave her a "productive conversation". We don't know what that means or looks like, but I'm genuinely scared for her safety.

After learning all of this, I'm physically enraged and cannot imagine ever standing near him again. But I also feel hypocritical and like I do not have any right to say what I am feeling because of my own addiction. We don't want her to feel isolated, alone and unsupported. The worst part is, if he didn't do any of these things and I would've known, I would've been his sobriety/accountability buddy. But I just can't imagine even in my drunkest, saddest, angriest state, ever saying or doing these things to anyone. Let alone the person who I was planning to marry. Is it fair to say he is unredeemable, even if he got sober, if she is willing to try to give him more chances? Do we need to be more assertive about telling her to prioritize her safety? I'm at a loss and have never gone through any familial stress without drinking, so I'm super emotional and trying to organize my thoughts. I just feel guilty for being so unforgiving towards him when I have hurt my wife, said things I didn't mean and have broken the trust of someone else. I hate comparing the two, but I don't know, this doesn't feel the same to me and something doesn't feel right about him staying.