Fear….

The truth is I’ve been in the dark for so long waiting or holding on that I’m scared I’m scared to try. I’m gonna push myself to do it anyway in a few months I’ll be in a different town in a different state it’s not forever but it’ll be for a while I need to meet new people I need to go to new places I need to I need to remember what it was like to be a part of the living. It’s not that I don’t do anything here it’s not that I don’t have a career that’s demanding it’s that I have grown stagnant And the truth is that, I’ve let it happen because I guess a part of me felt like if I stepped away to her that I would lose you.

What’s funny though is you haven’t been in my life in an everyday traditional way in a little over three years I think. despite our flexes the spider abs and flows my doubts by rages by growth my overly harmonious phase my tears my depression I never really felt like you were completely gone.

I know we loved each other I don’t know if that’s gonna be a forever Bob that will blast into the stars and will be together one day and literally run away like some fairytale I felt like that at once like nothing could stop us but that’s all I needed. Not all I needed ever just that experience is why I understand why I feel as I do I am not embarrassed or a shame that I held the way I did I am aware of that it has abbreviated some momentum for me but it would love and I know you felt it too it was complicated in the end but not loving you and not loving me that was never complicated if that was the only reason why and the only stent that we had we never would’ve loved each other side that you and I both know that that’s not the case

I may never know but I always feel I feel you here I don’t know why but it’s here yeah I know your life I could see it I get updated on your socials from time and time but I can see I don’t make any assumptions you look you look like you’re putting together family and I know that something you want very very happy for you are beautiful baby boy has your eyes breathtaking but I know you loved me I know you love the pieces of your life I will not assume that you love all of it I don’t think anyone works like that but I understand your obligations and your commitments and I know how serious you take those things I understand your ethics I respect them but because of all those things is why I know you truly love me and you are like me we are different but we are the same in the most connected ways you come here the way I come here for you I don’t know how long we’ll do that but I’m no longer ashamed and even though I’m scared it’s okay to walk forward with fear

Yours and heart and soul always M