Scared that I’ll never feel normal

That I’ll never be able to love someone or crush on someone without it turning obsessive. I tried with my last LO to be normal about it, to not get obsessive but it got out of my control so quickly I couldn’t stop it. Is it always going to be like this? I don’t want it to be this way. It hurts. It’s painful. It’s excruciating. I feel like I’m losing hope in being able to find a nice, healthy crush. I don’t want a relationship, I just want to casually crush on someone without feeling the need to stalk them, to know their every move, to know every single fact about them, to know every single thought they have, to have them all for myself. I hate that.