I wish you knew

I wish you knew how much it hurt when you'd call me beautiful after seeing all those girls you look up. I wish you knew how it affected me trying to look like them, starving myself in hopes of losing weight to be as skinny as them. I wish you knew how it disgusted me at some of your searches that are so thinly veiled of being a crime. I wish you knew how unhappy I am that you don't show up in the relationship anymore. I wish you knew the pain I go through knowing you'd rather be doing anything else than be by my side or spend time with me. I wish you knew that once I have all my shit figured out and have some money that I'll be gone. Maybe then you'll know that it's too late to fix things, cause you've had so many chances given to you, but you always brushed them off thinking you had time or I wouldn't leave. But you'll see, and once you do you'll realize that it was all the small things, the insults wrapped in jokes, the gaze you give to other girls, the disrespect of calling me crazy/insecure/toxic for having boundaries. Maybe then you'll realize that if you had just grown up instead of acting like a child, you could've had someone still by your side