everything feels like my fault.

everything. absolutely everything. things i did when i was a child haunt me to this day no matter if they are insignificant or truly bad. everything feels like my fault. if someone dies, its my fault. if someone is angry, it's my fault. if something bad happens to a friend or family member, i always think, "have i repented enough to prevent this? did i cause this because of some mistake i made as a kid? is this my karma?"

i can't make it stop. i just want to be normal, i just want to be happy, i want to be able to live on my own and not worry about the worst things happening to me, or that i'm some disgusting human being because of my thoughts. real event is terrorizing me. false memory is terrorizing me.

i just want to be normal, i want to be happy. why can't everything be perfect? why couldn't i have had the proper knowledge and insight before doing something in my younger years? i'm 21 and i feel like i will NEVER have a happy life.