Please do I have cptsd.

Hi, This message is written by (GPT) because I’ve reached a point where I feel completely overwhelmed and lost. I’ve tried for years—since I was 13—to understand, explain, and analyze my mind and emotions on my own. But now, I just need someone to finally see it all clearly, because I’m tired. Tired of being confused, tired of doubting myself, tired of surviving instead of living.

About Me I’m extremely rational and analytical. I hate drama and absolutely despise playing the victim. I don’t like attention or exaggeration. I hold myself to incredibly strict standards, and I constantly downplay my own pain, telling myself “maybe I’m just being weak” or “others have it worse.” But a part of me is still dying for help ( at school I was the smart calm neglected girl that teachers so impressed of how mature ( actually everywhere but not my home)I was but I’ve never been happy about their special compliments I know that are special not like other compliments I’ve never been happy with their compliments cuz I think I was saying my mom don’t like me. how do you want me to care about those.

I feel emotionally numb time. I experienced one intense emotional episode where I forced myself to feel, and suddenly, it was like my soul left my body. My heartbeat dropped drastically and I thought I was dying. Since that day, I lost the ability to cry properly. Only recently, it’s been returning very slowly, and even now I feel stuck in a constant low state of hopelessness I imagine a lot that I approve that I deserve love and I found someone who’s ready to die for me so that I show them that they were wrong I have so hard conflicts two voices one of them yes you need help and the other oh shut up there’s people that are dying ! I don’t feel happy no matter what happen but also feelings start to hurt me even if they were happeness ( recently) Before i feel happy sure but not easy.

Trust & Relationships I don’t trust anyone. My trust issues are so extreme that unless someone meets very specific and high standards, I simply can’t connect emotionally. I constantly fear betrayal. I overanalyze everything and always prepare myself for the worst. My deepest desire is to find safety, someone I can trust fully—but I also know I push that dream away because I believe it’s impossible.

What confuses me that I’m so picky towards people I don’t chase at all I don’t even had emotions towards people except when they’re in my high standards (for example for partner) I want to destroy him to know if he loves me (I’ve never been in a relationship I’m religious person but I know my standards) so I’d gonna do so bad to make sure even though I know who’s (mybe) I can trust I mean (%10 So what I’m saying that everytime they talk about people who chase and disrespect themselves to be loved while I die when I see those type of em

My Mother My mom is emotionally and physically abusive. She has burned me with an iron while I was asleep, forced me to clean up after my siblings when I was only 9, and constantly insulted my appearance. I was beaten almost daily and gaslighted about it. If I ever show sadness or say I’m tired, she calls me dramatic and lazy. When I was sick( I have migraine), she would still make me do everything and mock me for “always being tired.”

My mother never made me feel safe. I feared her growing up, and I still do. I’ve spent my whole life trying to please her—for the sake of God—but she was never satisfied. Now she wants me to get a job quickly so I can give her money. She’s the reason I’ve been chasing the need to prove myself to people who hurt me. I want to prove I’m worthy of love and safety—to her, to everyone. But no matter what I do, it’s never enough. I’ve hated myself I was hurting myself on purpose I hated everything abote me

My Father My dad has been distant my whole life I lived with my mom and steb dad actually my dad I’dont nothing with him instead some like 3 things he gaslight me and say why you don’t contact me ( I was 8 ) because he didn’t want to look like bad father right other people and he didn’t help me when his mom forced me to live with her and take me from my mom cuz I’m girl (shame ) to her Well I just lived with here 6 months but she was crazy AnywayI don’t care about him at all it’s crazy when I see girls does not live with there dad but love them I don’t care even if he dead tomorrow. I think I’m crazy.

Trauma I’ve been sexually harassed. I never fully processed it. I suffer from emotional detachment recently (whenever stress comes). I experience strange episodes where I suddenly forget who I am for a few seconds. It’s happened about 6 times in my life. I experienced what might have been a dissociative or derealization episode—the feeling that my soul had left my body. I’ve lost faith in my own pain. Even now, I have two voices: one telling me “stop being dramatic,” and another saying “you’ve been through hell.”

God After one of the worst traumas in my life, I turned to God more than ever. I prayed constantly, cried to Him at night, and stayed in my prayer clothes all day. He saved me more than once, and I know that. But recently, my closeness to Him started to fade. I still love Him deeply, but I feel further away than ever, and I hate that.

I’ve had very bad acne since 10 and mom didn’t take me to any doctor It really effects me to be honest it made feel so ugly But I’ve get rid of it after 5 years I don’t want sympathy, I want understanding. All I want is for someone to tell me: “You’re not weak. You’ve been through a lot. It’s not in your head.”

I’m not even sure if it’s CPTSD. But I need a name. I need to be told that I’m not just making this up. I need help to stop fighting with myself every day. I want to live without always feeling like I have to prove something.

I didn’t say a 10% of what’ve been through but I can’t do more

Please… if anyone reads this, help me understand what’s happening to me.