I just don’t get it…

I’m an 18(M) and I’m coming around to getting myself back in the world. Although I’m coming to the point where at the same time I feel that I would want to one day settle down with somebody and start my life in that sense I don’t want to. Over a year ago I was having disputes with my girlfriend over her talking to another man and why she was, she was at the point to where she wanted to have nothing to do with me and she was with another guy. So I did what anyone that would come to their senses would do and I got her out of my life with the help of a friend, I held resentment for days after that and it got to this. So one day I was off of work and I woke up around 11 and I had the urge to try and end my life. I went to my parent’s room and in the bottom of my Dad’s dresser was a 9mm pistol. I went to their room, grabbed the gun and pointed it to my head. For a minute I thought to myself should I do it, I felt like squeezing the trigger more and more but I thought about it and put it down and went to the restroom to think about it more. Then during this time my brother knocked on the door because the internet went off and he was looking for me and knew something went array. Next thing was me crying harder than I’ve done ever because I felt the shame of almost committing suicide because of a girlfriend. I didn’t date for a while after that and then a few months ago I got into dating apps and found somebody I liked, we shared interests and we got out of talking stages fast. I knew afterward that I wasn’t interested in her and we didn’t date fortunately. So I stopped talking to her and after that I was talking with another woman that I thought we saw everything eye to eye. But it didn’t take longer than a day to realize she was very insecure enough to cut me off entirely because I didn’t pick up the phone fast enough. I was mad but after some time I let go of it so I took a break. The a few days ago I got into it again and started talking to another woman who was visiting my town for the week and we almost made plans but nearly an hour ago after I told her my ideas on what we should do, she unadded me. I already have been depressed for the longest time and recently have been doubting my faith a bit because a few weeks ago my dormant church hurt reignited. What that has to do with it is that my religion has always and never has not been important to me. I spread the word to my extent even though I’m not good enough to spread the word of God. I feel ashamed of myself as a man, I have never felt so desperate and so upset.