The only reason I was ever able to get married and have kids is because... (NSFW)

I didn't find out I was autistic until 36 years old. (3 years ago.)

At 18 years old a girl expressed interest in me. This had never happened before. We met at the local grocery store and made small talk at the register as she checked out my 50 cans of tuna. (Yes, I was in a bodybuilding phase then.)

After talking she reached out to me via Xanga. (Facebook of the day.) We started talking via chat and then eventually met up for a few dates. I was extremely apprehensive as I had never been on a date before or even kissed a girl.

We dated for 3 years. It was around this time she vocalized that she wanted sex. For me, it had never crossed my mind. It wasn't a factor in my line of thinking. I wanted to make her happy though, so at 21 years old we did.

At 22 years old I proposed marriage and we got married. I thought this is what 'normal' people do. I had always thought, in the back of my mind, something was wrong with me... but I didn't know what. I ignored the thoughts and pushed forward.

We married and eventually had kids. I found out at 37 that I am asexual. I can have sex but it is never something I enjoyed. We ended up having 3 kids but there was always a 'wall' between us.

Here is where it gets a bit intriguing. I am quite autistic. I don't understand emotions, sex, or even connection. She had suffered sexual abuse and dealt with this abuse with an eating disorder. I was perfectly happy being with her as we each had our own personal space. She was ok as she was still dealing with trauma and food addiction.

We ended up having 3 kids which I have no regrets about. I love them so much. My ex and I ended up splitting apart at around 35 years old. Our youngest was just 2 years old. My ex had begun to heal from her sexual trauma and had also found religion.

While I am happy she was able to heal from the trauma, it left me being the same and her changing. She was able to heal and within that healing she started behaving like a neurotypical. She found religion and was a completely different person then I was used to.

I still love her and I remember during these rough times I said many times I just want to make you happy... what will that take? She said divorce and so I initiated divorce. It is still so painful to think about even almost 4 years later.

I wasn't diagnosed until a year after the divorce... but the diagnosis helped me make so much sense of everything. Why I was so different from everyone. Why she healed and changed... and I didn't. She was now a neurotypical and I was still my autistic self.

She left and I'm paying $4,000 a month in alimony and child support. I have my kids 50% of the week and by now, years later, I am used to how things are. However, I am not bitter towards her in the slightest. I am grateful.

I love how two broken souls were able to find each other and able to create a family. While I am happy for her that she found peace and was able to heal from her wounds... I doubt I ever will.

I've had a few relationships since my divorce but they've all ended in similar failure. At this point, at 39 years old, I don't think I'll ever find the type of relationship that works for me. I am VERY routine driven, asexual, and devoid of emotion.

I don't want this to be a sob story though. I am extremely grateful for everything I have including my 3 children. I enjoy them so much and will do anything for them and hell anything for my exwife. I want them all to be supported. If there is one thing I am good at it is work and providing.