AIO: What does the world say?

Context:

June 12, 2024 I found messages in my husband’s phone between him and a much younger co-worker (f). I didn’t give him a chance to explain… it was clear he was cheating. I took my 3 kids (one of them, his)… and left. I stayed with my mom for several days, filed for divorce, etc. Well, I’m Christian so I felt like I rushed everything and was hasty in my decision to leave… plus, let’s be honest here… I knew I was starting nursing school and wasn’t sure how I was supposed to be a full time student and pay the bills. We had a preliminary court date for a protective order that I felt was very warranted since there was stalking behavior, but the judge did not grant it. It felt clear to me that this very conservative state was going to lean heavily on the side of the offender. So, with all things in consideration, I stopped the divorce. We talked a month later and I let him come back (I know, I know… please spare the ridicule). He disclosed that this affair had been going on for a little over a year and that he was dealing with a lot of stress, blah, blah, blah. Had me taking responsibility for some of the reasons he felt the need to cheat and all.

So, here we are a year later. He’s been going to church and reading the Bible and acting like everything is just back to normal, or better… except one thing… about 6 months in he quit sleeping in the bed with me again. Intimacy is nearly nonexistent again. Things are great outside of the normal relationship/marriage requirements.

So, yesterday morning at 3:29am I awoke from my slumber (which I never/rarely do) and he was not in the bed. This is normal so I didn’t think much of it… but I could NOT go back to sleep and my mind was racing. So, I was worried maybe something was wrong with one of my kids. I got up to go check on everyone and my husband was on the couch snoring with a bright glow coming out from under the covers. I went over to him to turn the light off and when I picked up his phone he was watching porn and had fallen fast asleep after ejaculation (confirmed later)… forgetting to turn his phone off. He was trying to be slick by opening this in a private browser so that his history was not logged. He literally has a wife in the next room and instead he jerks off in the living room watching porn and risking the kids getting up and finding this glow instead of me. This is the first I’ve ever known of him watching porn. I have asked him multiple times and he has always said that he never has gotten into it. He was believable and I’ve never caught him before, but at this point… I’m extremely concerned. Usually people watch porn and it leads to cheating. He’s doing things in reverse which I fear will create a vicious cycle.

AIO to want to walk away now? I am so burnt out on all of this and what he’s teaching my/our children about marriage and how to treat a woman. It’s exhausting and any trust we were building from the first round of cheating has been destroyed. I feel like I’m competing for my husband’s attention with the entire world. Not just the girl he cheated on me with, but literally every one who he considers attractive. It feels so dirty and I actually wouldn’t even trust being intimate with him anymore because I would constantly wonder who he’s imagining himself with.

A penny for your thoughts.