Need advice from step-parents

Hi everyone 🌈

I’m in a queer relationship with my partner—a loving, strong woman who was previously married to another woman for 11 years. They share twin boys who are almost 8. I’ve only been in the boys’ lives since after the divorce, and I’ve known them for about three years, since they were five.

I care about them and truly value the connection we’ve begun to build—but I want to be honest: I’m not always sure if I love them in the way I think a parent should. And that’s hard to say out loud. I’ve never had children of my own, so I don’t always know what those feelings are “supposed” to look like, but I do my best to show up with care, consistency, and respect.

One of the harder parts of this journey has been navigating the household dynamics. My partner and her ex-wife are still working through a lot emotionally, and their conversations about the kids can feel intense and emotionally charged. I try to stay supportive, but it’s not easy to hold space when those moments feel heavy or even manipulative.

We don’t live together full-time, so when I’m at my own place, I use that time to rest and reconnect with myself. I’m a television editor, and part of my joy (and work) is keeping up with emerging reality shows and trends. When my partner visits me without the kids, we have a great time watching what we love together. But when I’m at her home with the boys, I often feel like I completely disappear. From morning until night, the TV and iPads are totally dominated by the kids, and I don’t even feel like I can watch the news or unwind in my own way. It’s a small thing, but over time, it’s made me feel emotionally sidelined.

And here’s something I’ve been holding in: I strongly believe in kids having firm boundaries. I was raised by a single mom and had a stepfather later on, and while we weren’t perfect, the adults set the expectations. There were clear rules and structure—and looking back, that gave me a real sense of security. In our situation, I don’t feel like my partner and I are aligned on discipline or boundaries. I often feel like the kids are dictating the environment, and we’re reacting to them instead of guiding them. It’s difficult, because I know we both love them, but I don’t think we share the same parenting values—and that can leave me feeling invisible and unheard.

Also, these are two young boys being raised by two moms, and now both moms are dating women. That’s a unique and beautiful family structure—and one that will shape their view of relationships, identity, and love in powerful ways. I think about that often, and I care deeply about being a positive, grounded presence in their lives. But I also want to feel like I can speak up when something doesn’t feel right—without being seen as overstepping.

I’m not here to judge anyone. I’m here because I love my partner and want to build something meaningful—but I also want to feel like I belong. And sometimes, in this blended dynamic, I don’t.

Has anyone else been in a similar place? How do you express your needs and boundaries when your parenting values don’t align? How do you stay true to yourself while also showing up with love?

Thanks so much for listening. Your insight would mean a lot. 💛