I had to let go of the loml and the pain is too much to deal with

Hello reddit, as I type this, it’s the crack of dawn where I live and I don’t feel too well. Not sure where I’m headed with this post, but I feel like the weight of this feeling has been sitting on my chest like a massive anvil for far too long and I need to get it off.

tl;dr: I fell in love with someone who ultimately treated me with disrespect. I ended up cutting him off from my life but I can’t help but miss him. I often feel life has no meaning without our shared goals and I often wish I would just pass away. Sometimes I try to hurt myself too.

I (26F) met this really amazing guy (23M) in my undergrad class last year. We recently completed a bachelor’s degree on the same major and during our final year we had to constantly run into each other in every class because all our courses kept accidentally matching (i say accidentally because all these courses were electives and not mandatory ones). I didn’t really pay much attention to him at first because he’s normally a very shy and quiet guy who likes to keep to himself. But then as more time went on, we did ultimately become friends and it turned out he was the sweetest, kindest, and nicest guy ever. He was so caring and thoughtful that it was hard not to notice him even when I tried not to.

Then last october I went through some traumatic events in life which really made me spiral a lot and I was in a rut for a while. That was until he told me not to give up just yet, said he believed I could do it. I don’t know what magic spell those words had cast on me because somehow I did pull through that period of my life. About a month later, at the end of November, I decided that I genuinely did like this person and he was everything I wanted in my man so I told him how I felt. While he didn’t immediately reciprocate, he did say he’d like to give us a shot and wanted to get to know me first.

That semester ended that december and by the end of it, I sensed he may actually find me interesting too because I sensed the vibes. Fast forward to January, we are starting our final semester at uni and he and I, once again had a matching elective course - also by coincidence. I don’t know what was on his mind at this point, but I could genuinely see myself fall for this person the more I spent time with him. The more I was around him, the more I felt like my happiest version again. I was back to my 15y/o self - happy and quirky - no more childhood trauma or baggages to carry. I just felt at peace with him. I reconnected with my old hobbies and I found some new ones too. However, he never explicitly told me how he felt. So I may have gotten a bit impatient and forced him to come to terms with his feelings - which he denied to have at all. He said we were better off as just friends and I accepted that too.

Except, here began all our issues. I was clearly still in love with him. And he, despite the clear “no”, kept sending out mixed signals. He would regularly flirt with me and it was quite evident all his friends knew something was going on between us. He even called it a situationship at one point. Meanwhile, I didn’t tell anyone except 2 friends because I gave someone a shot and it didn’t work. It’s okay. At this stage of our situationship, the friendship started to become very murky. He would flirt and send out signals but whenever I tried to clearly communicate (both verbally and via text) he would try to slide past the conversation. I still confronted him two more times and communicated it loud and clear that I was looking for a relationship and I wasn’t comfortable with this back and forth. Each time he backed out, only to go back to his old flirtatious ways again.

At this stage he was well aware that I loved him because I did drop the L bomb already. And at times, I saw him look at me in ways that made me believe he might start to feel something too. Maybe here’s where I fucked up and gaslit myself because soon after, all hell broke loose.

Even during this on-going push and pull situation, I was fairly happy. I know I used to bawl my eyes out a lot and pray for him to be my life partner to a god I didn’t even truly believe him until i met this guy - but despite all that, I was so happy still. Until April came and all of a sudden I saw a complete shift in his behaviour. He started acting cold and rude with me. He knew my insecurities and sometimes would bring those up to attack me jokingly. I felt uncomfortable and even though I tried to ignore it at first, it did start to get to me soon after. So I even told him that I found him rude but he just laughed it off. Then in the middle of April this year, a week before my birthday, we were sitting with some friends after class and I start to notice how he started talking to me with a lot of contempt and passive aggression - it was borderline disgust in his tone. And the things he said/did were’nt kind either. This hurt me a lot. I felt extremely disrespected by the person I loved and I decided I couldn’t tolerated this anymore. The disrespect broke the camel’s back.

I walked out of that room, went home and typed out a note for him in a fit of pain, insult, and rage. I sent the note to him communicating how I felt and then blocked him on all platforms. At this point our undergrad had also almost ended so it meant we wouldnt run into each other again.. and we actually don’t anymore.

Only problem is I feel like despite all this, I never got any closure. I felt so small (and still do) when he disrespected me and I felt even smaller when I told him his behaviour hurt me and it made me want to not exist anymore and he showed absolutely no reaction to it. It’s not like I wanted a grand gesture from him after thal brutal note + blocking. I just wished he’d acknowledge he hurt me and apologize for it. We could move on with our lives then, and he’d never need to stay in any contact with me.

Except he did none of that. He never reached out to me after reading the letter and pretended like it never happened. He went on to pretend like we never existed. Forget the situationship, it was as if the friendship never happened either. I was in shock for a month. My shock was so bad that I tried to self harm quite a few times. I’m not proud of those scars but I was just so overwhelmed and I felt like I had shrunken into a small nothing. I loved someone and he treated me like vermin.

It has been nearly 4 months since we went no contact and yet, I still love him. I think about him everyday. Even though he’s still very cold with me if we ever run into each other again. I guess I just haven’t been able to process my feelings at all and I really needed to get it off of my chest tonight. Because tonight it’s one of those days when I want to hurt myself again. No particular reason, but I just feel bad that he moved on with life like nothing happened, and here I stand still. Right where he left me.

That’s it reddit, this is the best I could have done summarizing my story while in immense pain and crying through my teeth. I’ve gotten physically sick quite a few times in June and July, and I lost nearly 8lbs weight too.

I’m just struggling a lot trying to process what it means to reset life without those dreams I had about us, and all the goals that we shared. Suddenly I see no light at the end of the tunnel and it feels like, I wish life ended right now because I feel too overwhelmed by my own grief.

But anyway, if you stuck around to read till the end, thank you very much. It means a lot.