She pulled me out of hell just to throw me back in

I’ve been single for about 8 years, i’ve shut off my heart, locked it and never opened it or gave my heart to anyone. I was alone, and sometimes lonely.

And throughout these 8 years life took its course there were ups and downs and i was surviving the whole thing.

Up until recently. I met someone. She had the keys to my heart and it didnt feel wrong at all.

I met her about a year and a half ago, we were teaching weekend classes at the same place. When I saw her the first time I just knew that this is it. She is the person for me. But my heart was still locked, my mind told me that i shouldnt even hope for it. So i ignored what i felt. But she found my instagram somehow and once in a while we would have these short conversations when one of us replies to the others’ story. It had been like that for a few months until last week.

We started having longer conversations, sharing more about our lives, our families, our past. With each message she sent, i felt happier and happier. She became more and more perfect in my eyes. And after a few days, she said she wants to get to know me better beyond just our random conversations.

I was stunned at first -unsure of what to feel. I questioned myself -am i truly ready for this? But I told myself I wasn’t going to find someone more perfect than her. She came at the best time possible, she ticked every single box I had, and I did not feel a speck of doubt about her. This is it. I am all in.

So I reciprocated and I told her how I felt. I told her that I have clear intentions and that I was hopeful of a future with her. I wanted to do it right. And just like that, 31/7/2025 became one of the best nights of my life. I felt like I was happiest in that moment. I knew that this is the girl i want to be with, I wanted to take care of her, I wanted to feed her to clothe her to put a roof over her head, I wanted to buy her flowers, I wanted to tell her about my day, I wanted to be her source of comfort and happiness, I wanted to make her feel safe, I wanted to tell her how beautiful she is, not just on the outside but also on the inside.

8 years of shutting everyone off, and now my heart can finally open up to someone. The emotions I felt that night was very intense. For the first time in 8 years, I could love someone. For the first time in 8 years, I felt loved.

So fast forward a few days later and we were both happy and getting abit more romantic and affectionate with our words. There were monents that I felt it was too good to be true. I would become anxious at the thought of her leaving, afraid of losing her. But talking to her would ground me and make me realise that this is actually happening.

Up until 2 days ago, when these words were uttered by someone I had given my heart to

“what i’m really asking for is a step back”

A sudden shift. I went into panic mode. My brain became hyper alert and defensive. Whats happening? Why the sudden change? Didnt you just told me you love me few days ago? Didnt you said I was everything you prayed for? Didnt you say you’ve been waiting for this for more than a year.

note: okay i have to pause cos i cant continue this anymore i need some time.