if i’m going out, it’s gonna be ALL OUT

honestly, my “last day of using” has been lackluster as fuck if i take into account the lack of a day remaining.

TL;DR oral dose REC. ?? been using again since 6/21, primarily smoking, smoke a gram easily on a day i’m on it

simple life recap; more or less it’s just put on the tab for about 45 lackluster days i’ve lived through. dozens of days, since the weekend of the Solstice. since that Friday i had completed my first marathon, spent time with friends, and celebrated the eve of my five months clean. with the suffocating desire to use again- now at its highest point. June 21.. the last milestone i made it through and to, clean and sober. day 1 of my one-day only, only easy to put the pipe down while i’m still up only up until i’m down to sprinkles and remnants of the shit and now i just need a little bit more.. on the weekend, and on the next day i wouldn’t give a fuck about the week’s end, i got a little more and kept going and eventually the weeks came to blend

off-days were most definitely had, in the last month and a half. evident by my daily steps count- mostly well above 10k, with a couple dips on a graph reflecting days i hardly racked up hundreds and nights i never went outside at all. those days i slept right through, impossibly fatigued, and never crossed Day 5 without picking up again- because by the fifth day, my body had recharged just enough to go through motions and keep my eyes open.. but i knew some dope would have me rock’n rollin all good again-

so about 19 outta 45 of them days were iceless. and maybe 2 of those were meaningful at all. feels like i simply saw “dope, it’s Summer, i guess” and been fried ever since. either way, that first night in five months was genuinely lackluster like the last month spent- in terms of that high being something worth everything i’ve lost since. in retrospect, it could never warrant the ultimate result i’m now on day 45 of an accidental bender. it was still so much brighter and more pleasurable than any time i smoke these days.

i don’t get high. i just get down with my dope and supplies.. and then lock in at the kitchen table of mine, and go on to waste some more time smoking however much i please. last month, i could smoke a little and go do a lot with my day.. now i get a little lost in the clouds and forget the world outside- while a lot of time goes by. seriously dedicated more time to a single sesh, than most would see on a time clock.

but if i run out or stop, i crash. and hard. and it’s hard to rise up again, worse every time ive had to.. most recently i was lights out for around 48 hours. Sunday afternoon, to Tuesday afternoon. so i been smoking since that evening- yesterday, but it feels so much further in time now.. At least it’s time i’m aware of. at least im conscious while my life’s at a standstill.

and now im consciously dying to getaway from the quicksand, to go back to living. the shit I would live for- if I wasn’t clocking in for ten hours at the pipe working away at a pile of caustic crumbles, Seeing how many bics I’ll kill this time

Living For myself, for the people I care about- and actually taking my power and time back, to spend time with everyone ive lost out on seeing because I lost the strength to get up and leave the rolling bowl, to close the bag again save for later

Today was one of the better ones.. for days ive spent half fried with my mind on screen savers But i guess theres no better day to be the last- than a day ive gotten this far into seriously considering it It isn’t now or never, but its now or I’ll never know when the next time comes to bring clarity I’m willing to contemplate

I have a funny feeling I could smoke my last bowl and fill up another time or 3… and just continue the cycle repeating But thinking about oral dose.. actually I licked some crumbles off my index finger earlier literally not even 10mg worth but FUCKDUCKFKVHKDJF god the taste was so awful quite honestly it’s a big influence in why I’m deciding to be done with all the stuff today anyway.. I’m not a little bitch, though, I used to eat shards for breakfast last year then run the whole show for breakfast when I was a manager at methdonalds. Just not used to the taste these days. But I could totally swallow a gram or two- shits and griddles aside! What do you recommend for a good oral dose- I want to be able to feel it, I wanna actually “come UP” this time if it’s my last.. lately I just been negating the comedowns.

TL;DR what yall recommend for amount to oral dose? Been using (again) since 6/21, primarily smoking.. heavy tolerance easily smoke a gram on the days i do..